“Lose Yourself” by Eminem
“First Date” by Blink 182
“Fallin’ for You” by Colbie Caillat
**Bella POV**
I couldn’t believe I had just agreed to spend some time hanging out with Edward. It was not that I didn’t want to; it’s just that I had decided only two days ago, that that door was closed for good. But in typical girl fashion, how quickly I changed my mind. Our little coffee date was really amazing. There was some awkwardness off and on, but for the most part, I felt very comfortable with him. It certainly did not feel like we had just spent ten years without knowing one another. The teasing and light flirting was very reminiscent of the Edward I once knew, and I just couldn’t help myself from wanting to spend more time with him. When Edward mentioned that I could show him some of the sights around the city, I was over the moon excited about the possibility of spending more time with him. I, however, was in such a daze about this fact that I hesitated a bit too long with a response to his question. This then lead to him thinking that I was rejecting the idea, which was quickly followed by a look of utter devastation washing over his previously hopeful face. Not about to be the source of his pain ever again, I immediately went into damage control mode. Without even thinking, my hand reached out to his and gave it a small squeeze for reassurance. I didn’t know what it was, but I always had a difficult time keeping my hands to myself around Edward. Apparently I didn’t pay close enough attention in kindergarten regarding the importance of this. Oh well! Just as in the past, from the minute I touched his slightly shaking hand I could feel a jolt of electricity between us so strong that I had difficult time breathing. How this man and the simple feeling of his hand in mine was able to take my breath away was beyond me, but I committed that very moment to my memory. From here, I informed him that there was nothing I would enjoy more than being his Chicago tour guide and we finished the rest of our meal in a comfortable rhythm.But what were these excursions we had planned? I mean, I don’t know if I’d go far enough to call them dates, they were more like small outings, I suppose. Dates probably should come after we had reestablished some type of friendship status. We were still getting to know each other again and I didn’t think it would be a smart move to just jump back into this blindly. Edward and I had issues that were going to need to be dealt with, big ones at that, subjects that may or may not be the kind that could be forgiven. But honestly, being with him tonight like this made me want to try.
Obviously, there was still a lot of physical attraction there between us, at least on my end, but I believed on his too. It amazed me that even to this day he still owned all five of my senses. No one else could light a candle to the spark there was between us. There was not a greater sound than that of Edward’s laughter, no greater vision than that of his smile, no greater smell than that of his manly, musky scent, no greater taste than that of his skin, and no greater feeling than that of his lips on my body and my hand encapsulated safely within his. Amazing how in two days, my life could shift so dramatically, that it revolved once again entirely around this man. Yet the thought of this, which should have had me running for the hills, instead made me smile with a giddy excitement. I hadn’t expected it to happen, but Edward made me feel young, carefree, vibrant, and most of all content when I was in his presence. Who was this happy person that had taken over my body? This certainly was not the Bella that I had grown into throughout the past ten years. That Bella was cynical, pessimistic, over-thinking and a workaholic. I didn’t make decisions on a whim, decisions that could break me forever if they didn’t work out.
And just like that, all the anxiety came flooding back into my emotional state. What if this didn’t work out? What if I gave him everything I had and he let me down again? I wouldn’t be able to survive that. Just as I was getting myself into quite a tizzy, my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and was not surprised to see Alice’s name. I swear that girl has some kind of ESP with my brain. It makes absolutely no sense, but she always knows just when to call or show up and she always says the right thing. If it wasn’t so damn helpful, she’d scare the living shit out of me.
“Hey Ali,” I answered after the third ring. “What’s going on?”
“Are you okay? What happened at Meinl’s? Tell me everything, because I had a really good feeling about the whole thing until like a minute ago, and then I can’t explain it, but I just got nervous and had to call you,” Alice said in a slight panicky voice.
I groaned. She was so inquisitive sometimes and dammit if she wasn’t freaky with her precognition senses. Sometimes, I wondered if we weren’t twins rather than cousins, because it made no sense how in sync she was with me. “Stop, Ali. Everything was actually great while we were together. We got along, it was comfortable for the most part, I mean, he was the Edward I remember. The Edward I’m still in love with. And that right there is what just freaked me the hell out. I promised to hang out with him again, to go out alone on some sort of semi-dates and while I’m ecstatic about the prospect of these outings, I’m…”
“Nervous about it all crashing down again?” Alice interrupted. I swear we were like two halves of the same brain sometimes. It really was more and more frightening.
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yes, Alice, I’m nervous. I want to believe him, I want to trust him, but how do I do that? How do I put all my trust and possibly my heart back into the hands of the man that dropped and damaged it so many years ago?”
“Hmm… Well I think you just have to follow your heart, and block out your brain for a little. Your heart tells you it will be alright, but your brain has you rethinking and overanalyzing it all. I don’t see him hurting you, not intentionally at least. Do I think he may make some mistakes in this process? Absolutely, he’s human. But I think you hold the information that will be the most damaging to your relationship. We just have to figure out the best way to present this information to him and soon Bella, otherwise it has the potential to all blow up in your face. And then, you wouldn’t have to worry about him, because you’d be breaking your own damn heart,” Alice lectured.
Could I trust my heart to lead me in the right direction? I wasn’t sure, but I knew it might be the only way, if I wanted this to work. I knew I would need to tell him about Mackenzie, in fact I wanted to tell him tonight, but when he said it might be better for us to not discuss the old stuff right away, I had reluctantly gave in. My guilt and stubbornness silently rejoiced that he did not want to know, yet my heart ached for him to share in my pain and to understand my reasoning for all my decisions.
“He doesn’t want to know, Ali,” I answered before she could come up with any ideas of how to present the facts.
“What do you mean ‘he doesn’t want to know'? He has a right to know Bella, we’ve been through all this before,” Alice sighed, clearly exasperated.
“I know,” I said defensively. “I’m not saying I didn’t want to tell him, in fact I almost told him tonight, but then he said it would be better for us to not talk about any of our past right now and that he forgave me for any of my past indiscretions. I didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t forgive me when he doesn’t even know what he is forgiving. But I gave in anyway. It was all going so well, I really didn’t want to push the issue and I didn’t want to ruin our night.” God, my excuses sounded pathetic even to my own ears.
“Ah, B. You know I just told him that so he wouldn’t pressure you into talking before you were ready. I didn’t want you to tell him and get defensive about it if he kept pushing to talk about the past. You know you would totally do that if you weren’t ready and if it wasn’t under your terms. This is a very sensitive subject and you telling him the wrong way, would have been disastrous for both of you. It wasn’t meant to be a free pass, though I should have known Edward would try and do that,” she mumbled.
I was becoming agitated and defensive and I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to stop it. “Hey, I didn’t ask for any damn free pass. It’s not my fault if he is shutting me down for now. I don’t plan on keeping it a secret forever, but I’m going to wait until I think we are both ready for it.”
Alice groaned, “You’re making a mistake, mark my words, but whatever, I’m not going to sit here and fight with you about it. You’re an adult and you are making your own bed. Whatever will be, will be. I’m moving on. So when is this date scheduled for?”
I was still a little pissed off with her attitude, but I didn’t want to fight with her either, so I relented. “Friday after the game if everything goes as planned. We’re going to go check out some sights, I’m thinking of starting with the aquarium since it’s still pretty chilly out.”
Chicago had tons of fun things to offer a person new to the city. I decided that we definitely needed to start his little “Welcome to Chicago, Edward Masen” adventure at the Shedds Aquarium. Because this was one of my favorite places to visit, I was completely confident that, with my stellar knowledge of the place, we would have a great time. In reality, I have visited the aquarium more times than I care to admit. I mean, the penguins in the Polar Play Zone and I are most definitely on a first name basis… if they could talk that is. But, whatever! They made me laugh and we all need a little laugher from time to time, right?
“Well that would be good. It’s kind of dark and intimate, but yet still playful at the same time. It should work out perfectly.” I could almost hear Alice smiling through the phone.
I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for the blessing Ali. Not that it would have changed my mind either way, you know.”
She laughed out loud suddenly, “I know, but I can’t help it. You know me. Alright, I’ll let you go. I’m feeling better about it all now, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow at the game. Night, Bella.”
I hung up and stretched out on my bed falling asleep quickly.
The next two days flew by in a blur. Both games were absolutely disastrous. We lost both and of course, Milton Bradley had gotten ejected on Thursday afternoon and had been suspended. I was notresigning him next year no matter what Emmett said. That man pushed my buttons to the extreme, worked my very last nerve on a daily basis, and I just couldn’t have someone toxic like that on the roster. Nope, his hot headed ass had to go! However, we were paying him too much to have him sitting out, so for the rest of this season I was just going to have to deal. Somehow I knew it was going to be a long season where he was concerned. Ugh.
Edward had played pretty well and seemed to be adjusting well in the current lineup. We were able to give each other quick meaningful smiles when we passed in the building, but otherwise we didn’t get to talk much. Though I knew Mike had seen our kiss, we both decided it would be best if we kept this whole thing with us private from the rest of the organization. That actually included Emmett and Rose for now. I knew they were both so protective over me, and at this point I needed to feel this out without their interference and opinions. If things went well after our first outing, I figured I’d fill them in then. No need to prematurely bring any more stress into my life because any more of it would definitely be sending me to a plastic surgeon in the near future. I mean, I am all for their magic, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t have time for it at the moment. So, the man with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen and I would just have to keep it our little secret for the time being.
By Friday, I had turned into a little ball of nervous energy. I looked up the hours of operation for the Aquarium and groaned when I realized it closed at five in the evening. We’d barely be leaving the stadium before it closed, which immediately bummed me out a little. While a tad childish, I was really looking forward to taking Edward to one of my favorite places. Knowing that wallowing in my disappointment wasn’t going to get me anywhere, I resolved that we could easily go there another time. With that, I called Edward in the morning to let him know and we instead decided on seeing a movie. I figured that was harmless enough. We wouldn’t be able to do much talking inside, but I figured maybe we could grab coffee or dessert afterwards. Saturday’s game was also a one o’clock start, so it would have to be an early night anyways.
The game went smoothly with us beating St. Louis eight to seven, however by the time we both got out of the stadium it was already nearing six and Edward wanted to go home to change. We decided reluctantly to forgo the movie and instead we met once again at Meinl’s and had coffee. It was nice and we talked a little more, but mostly about the game and the team in general. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed. It was not at all how I had imagined our first rendezvous going, but as they say, “patience is a virtue,” so I figured I was simply going to need to practice being patient. Yeah, good luck with that, Swan.
Saturday we had our third game against St. Louis. It was a nail-biter and went into extra innings. Edward had started off zero for five and it literally hurt me to watch the disappointment in his face over his performance. However, with two outs in the eleventh inning he pounded a ball over the left field wall for a walk-off, two run homer to win the game for us. I couldn’t have been more proud of him and the team for sticking in there for a victory. I silently cheered for him, but was unable to get too excited as I didn’t want to tip off Emmett, Rose or Esme that something was going on there. Alice, however, cheered loudly and obnoxiously enough for the both of us. The team decided to go out and celebrate together after the win, so unfortunately I didn’t get to see Edward again tonight. I did, however, send him a bbm to let him know how proud I was of him today. He gave a quick smiley back and said he’d call me when he got home. Unfortunately, I was down in the gym when he called and didn’t hear the phone over my iPod. When I saw his missed call, I quickly checked the message, and was disappointed to find out he said he was going to bed early so he could get in some extra batting practice in the morning. I debated calling him back, but didn’t want to bother him if he was already settled in. Shit, this patience thing is a hell of a lot harder than I thought. No wonder I was never very good at waiting. Humph!
The next morning was very dreary and the rain was coming down in buckets, which kind of reminded me of Forks. The game ended up being postponed, so Edward and I decided we would finally hit up the Aquarium. On one hand, I was so excited to be with him for an entire afternoon, but on the other, I was also now freaking out. Ok, perhaps freaking out wasn’t the best way to describe my feelings because it was more like my mind racing a million miles a minute, followed by the urge to run as fast as I could away, combined with the giddiness of a girl going on her first every date. Hell, multiple that by ten and then perhaps that would be a better representation of my current feelings. The date, and yes, I’m now calling it a date, was finally here. We had put it off for so long now, that I felt more apprehension for it to go perfectly. No pressure though, right? I mean, how much pressure could a place with silly-ass penguins really be? Keep telling yourself that, Swan. Keep telling yourself that.
What to wear? What to wear? I could go with jeans… but maybe I should wear something dressier like a skirt or a cute dress? If I went with the jeans, should I wear a lighter weight shirt and bring a jacket or should I wear a sweater and go without a coat? It was supposed to be sixty-two degrees today, but it would feel cooler because of the wind and rain. Should I wear a pair of heels or should I wear shoes that are more casual and comfortable to walk around in? Then again, I barely own any shoes that don’t have a heel to them and I certainly wouldn’t want to wear anything that would get ruined if they got wet.
Forget the clothes, how about my hair? Would it look better up, like in a sexy ponytail, or do I go down, as I know this is how Edward used to like it, but then I don’t know if it should be straight or have a hint of a loose curl to it? Once again, the rain would most likely reek havoc on my hair if it was down, so maybe that part was easy. I suppose I will have to bring some type of a purse. Do I carry a shoulder bag or a handbag? If I carry a shoulder bag, it could get in the way and act as a boundary between Edward and me, but it also could free up my hands when needed and would fit an umbrella. On the other hand, however, a handbag would be smaller but not being able to put it on my shoulder could be annoying. Fuck it! Maybe I should just go naked because this would solve the entire “What should Bella wear on her date with Edward” problem. Ugh!
After getting together for coffee a second time a few days ago, I had been unable to think about anything but Edward. If I am being completely honest with myself, I still couldn’t get over how utterly handsome he was even after all this time. The way he looked sitting across from me at the table… there really were no words, as looking like him should be illegal. It’s not even fair for one person to look as damn beautiful as Edward Masen. Really, statues should be erected in his honor. Aside from his obvious outward appearance, he was more beautiful than I remembered on the inside. If it was even possible, I think he was more kind and caring then he was as a teenager. And that is saying a lot, because Edward was brought up with some of the most amazing qualities. He was absurdly chivalrous and polite as a kid and those same qualities have only seemed to magnify in the few short times we have spent together as adults.
I was still freaking out about telling him about Mackenzie. If he would ever be able to forgive me for giving her up, I knew that he needed to understand the person I had become and the reasons behind such an act. Did I think that this was something he would ever be able to truly forgive? God no, as I have never really forgiven myself, but I hoped that he would be able to really reach deep down inside his own fragile heart and find the forgiveness that I knew was the only way for us both to leave the past where it belonged, once and for all. I know that neither of us will be able to forget, but understanding… well, I guess that only time will be able to tell.
Knowing that focusing on the “what ifs” of our complicated past wasn’t going to calm my obvious jitters regarding today’s date with Edward, I decided to think about some of the highlights from our first coffee meeting almost a week ago. One of the best parts about getting together for coffee was the fact that it felt like no time had passed at all. As odd as it sounds, from the moment I sat down across from him at the table, I felt like a different version of myself. Instead of guarded, I felt light. Instead of lost, I felt home. For the past ten years, I have spent every day attempting to live the false version of myself. Being strong and independent aren’t two things that come naturally to me, especially because I don’t feel either of them. Before having coffee with Edward, I felt broken, alone, and was simply waiting for the bottom of my tangled web of falsities to unravel right before my eyes. However, after I opened the door and set foot into Julius Meinl, any sadness or nervousness I felt regarding Edward immediately drifted away. Thinking back, he was so damn cute the entire time. I could tell he was attempting to be stealthy and hide his obvious anxieties, but that silly boy couldn’t fool me. For instance, when I walked in he was so preoccupied with fiddling with and spinning his Blackberry on the table that he didn’t even notice that I was watching him. It was kind of adorable. Or, when he told me that I looked pretty, like a nervous sixteen year-old boy on a first date would sound. And of course, always the gentleman, he pulled out my chair for me and ordered for the both of us, which I have to admit was super cute. But as the time passed, I could tell that he was feeling more comfortable and he slowly started letting the Edward that I knew and loved out to play. Case in point, him feeding me and then stealing food off of my plate. That sneaky little shit, took food from my plate without sharing from his and then giggled, yes giggled, like a toddler who had gotten away with a piece of candy from behind his mother’s back. Right then and there I made a mental note to get back at him somehow.
Payback is a risky game there, Masen. Oh the ways I would love to get you back for that. Nobody and I mean nobody, messes with my Nutella crepes.
Quickly shaking my head from side to side, as I knew my little thought about payback would only lead to me getting all flustered, I truly remembered how much I loved the playful side of him because it always brought a smile to my face. Not only did I smile because Edward usually did during his playful times, but I also smiled because these were the moments where I always felt carefree.
We were starting to pick up the pieces of our broken lives together and working our way back to one another because, let’s face it, without one of us in the life of the other, we were not complete. That this time, we were mature enough to understand the magnitude of our feelings and just how special our type of love was.
There were very few times in life where one was given a second chance and that was exactly what we were given… a second time around. Knowing that “do overs” were rare, I knew that today’s date needed to be something that was light-hearted and fun, yet a way for us to connect with each other in ways that were missing ten years ago.
I could be so easily distracted with my thoughts, I swear I might have Attention Deficit Disorder. Focus Bella, back on the dilemma at hand, what the hell you’re going to wear.
Think Bella, think. A trip to the damn aquarium shouldn’t be this difficult.
About to lose it on the annoying as shit voice inside of my already confused head, I knew that I needed a fashion intervention and it needed to be quick. The expert I had in mind wouldn’t be afraid to kick me in the ass if necessary, which in this situation would probably be the case. In one fail swoop, she would be able to look into my ransacked closet and pick out the best outfit for the occasion. Ireally wanted to be a big girl about my wardrobe for the day and avoid the “let’s dress Bella game,” but after standing in this same spot for god knows how long, I realized that desperate times called for desperate measures. After sighing and reluctantly admitting to a clothing failure, I knew that concession was the only option.
Without even looking at my Blackberry, I pressed “2” on the speed dial and brought the phone slowly up to my ear.
“Bella,” she said in her all-knowing, too chipper voice “I’ve been waiting for your call my dear cousin. How long have you been standing in your closet? Thirty minutes?”
Inhaling through the nose and out through the mouth, I sighed and quietly said “Alice, you got me. I need help. What do you suggest?”
Asking such a question was like making a deal with the devil, as you immediately knew your life was no longer your own. I had no choice though, I was readily admitting to defeat of my unmerciful closet. Dreading the inevitable, I could hear her over-excited squeal on the line followed by a clapping of her hands. I cringed and moved the phone as far from my ringing ear as possible, just as I heard the words I most dreaded. The very same words I’d been cringing at since I was a child and had absolutely no fashion sense. The words I hoped honestly to never to hear again.
“I knew you would come to me. Who's your fashion Goddess? You better fucking say it, Bella.”
I cursed under my breath, but managed to mumble the words I was programmed to say. “You, Ali. You are my fashion Goddess.”
“Well just as long as you recognize that.” I could literally feel the proud smirk she was sporting right through the phone and dammit if it didn't make me smile too. “I swear I could see this happening since this morning, Bella. I can't believe it took you this long to call. I'll be over in ten minutes to get you dressed.”
Nine minutes and fifty-four seconds later Alice was bounding through my door. She bypassed me with barely an acknowledgment and went right to my bedroom closet tearing through the clothes like she was on a mission. It was honestly fascinating to see how her brain worked. Calculating her options like it was a complicated calculus equation.
“You know, this would have been a lot easier had you picked up all the clothes you threw all over the place on your own failed attempt. Have some respect for the clothes, Bella. I can barely see what I'm working with here. Remind me to pull some stuff for you this week at work. This closet is too beautiful to be this disgraceful.”
I couldn't help the quiet snort that slipped from mouth. Giggling, I rolled my eyes just in time to see Alice whip around at lightning speed to give me the stink-eye. “You know, Ali if I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you.”
“Yeah, yeah. Hate means love. Hate means love. I return the sentiment. Now go do something useful like your hair and makeup,” she murmured returning to her task at hand.
Twenty minutes later I walked back into my bedroom with my hair and makeup done. I decided on light makeup and left my hair naturally curly pulling the top back into a braid along the crown. Alice had laid out a white v-neck short sleeve sweater a pair of distressed skinny jeans, and my knee high brown boots.
“Is this dressy enough?” I asked her in complete confusion.
Alice raised her eyebrows. “Are you questioning my fashion wisdom, B? Seriously? It's a day date. At an aquarium. If you go any more dressed up, you'll look out of place. I promise, it's perfect and Edward will love it.”
I dressed quickly, realizing I had only twenty minutes before I was supposed to be picking up Edward. Alice smiled when you saw me, nodding enthusiastically at her final masterpiece. I had to admit the outfit did look good. I just hoped to God that Edward wasn't more dressed up then I was. Alice kissed me good-bye and wished me luck as I gave myself a final look and then ran out the door only minutes after her.
My hands shook on the steering wheel of my car in nervousness as I drove to Edward's place. I flipped through my iPod desperate to find some music to calm my nerves. When I reached his place it took everything I had to knock on the door. My head was spinning and my breathing was slightly labored. I was about to see the inside of his home which would change things and I knew it. Once I walked in his door, it would make this all more personal, more intimate. This was not a casual meet and greet at the coffee shop. This was for real. Fuck, please let me be ready for this.
Always the gentleman, Edward didn't try to embarrass me. Instead he ignored the blush and invited me inside. “You look beautiful as always, Bella,” he complimented quietly, his cocky demeanor replaced by a boyish shyness.
I blushed again, relishing in his sweet words. My lord, was I seventeen again? Attempting to change the direction of the conversation, I took a look around his living room. It was impeccably decorated in soft neutral beiges and dark chocolate browns. It was warm and inviting. “Did you decorate this all on your own, Edward? This place is amazing.” I took in the art on the wall and the pictures on the fireplace mantel and was blown away. The room was worthy of its own spread in a magazine.
I smiled widely at his admission and chuckled, knowing that he was lucky he even got to pick out the light. My aunt was a force to be reckoned with when it came to decorating. It was easy to see where Alice got her enthusiasm from. “So, you ready to get out of here and check out some penguins, Masen?”
“Penguins? Um, no. But the sharks, those I'm looking forward to,” he winked.
Why every man had to seem so macho and pick sharks as his favorite sea creature I have no idea. I rolled my eyes, knowing Edward was a big mush on the inside and would probably be most intrigued by the damn sea otters. “Whatever you say,” I quipped punching him lightly on the arm.
He laughed and led me out the door back down to the parking lot. “Damn, Swan,” he smirked giving a low whistle. “When did your taste in cars improve?” Edward looked over my Ferrari appreciatively admiring the specs and other things only men gave two shits about.
“Um, I'm sorry,” I said sarcastically raising my right eyebrow. “Are you implying that that stupid, shiny Volvo you drove around was somehow better than my Ford Mustang?”
Edward chuckled loudly. “Don't mess with the Volvo. We had some good times in that car if I remember correctly.” I rolled my eyes, but damn if he didn't have me there, so I couldn't argue with him.
“Get in. Before we miss the Aquarium again,” I said in mock-authority. Edward continued to laugh but got in the passenger seat.
We decided to start in the Amazon Rising section and checked out the piranhas, rays, anacondas, tarantulas, and crocodiles. “Can we promise to never visit here? Jesus, these animals are all scary as hell. I wouldn't want to come face to face with even one of them. Fuck I'll be lucky if I don't have nightmares tonight about that damn spider,” Edward stated. I laughed lightly, but was not able to ignore the fact that my heart sped up when he mentioned us visiting any place together in the future. Um yeah, so I guess a trip to the rainforest is out of the question for us then. Mental note.
Next we headed to the Caribbean Reef and watched the rays, sharks and green sea turtles interact in the extremely large circular habitat. “See, this is much more like it. Though I'm not saying I want to get in there and swim with them or anything, but come on, you have to admire the beauty of it all,” he said.
“You are so freaking corny, Edward. I swear,” I laughed shaking my head at him. He wrinkled his nose and stuck his tongue out at me, making me laugh harder.
“Well I have to say, I'm a fan of anything that makes you happy and smile like that, so I guess I'm going to have to like them, too.”
I rolled my eyes and again reached out to slap him softly on the arm. Was I honestly resorting to this middle school type of flirting? I just couldn't control myself like a normal adult in his presence. Edward however, with his amazing hand-eye coordination was too quick, reading my move easily, and catching my hand before it could make contact. “Now, now, Ms Swan are you trying to beat me up? I won't be able to perform at my peak level if you damage my throwing arm. I'm not so sure if my other boss would approve of this abuse,” he smirked.
I giggled and tried to pull my hand back, but Edward held it tightly. “Uh uh ah. What do you think you are doing? For my own safety and for the safety of those around us, I think I'm going to have to hold on to this weapon my dear. I'm confiscating your hand for the rest of this visit since you honestly don't seem to have enough control to keep your hands off of me.”
The smug bastard knew me too damn well. “Oh please, Edward. Don't flatter yourself my dear boy. If you wanted to hold my hand you could have just asked.” I stated as nonchalantly as I could rolling my eyes, but damn if I wasn’t jumping up and down like a giddy little girl on the inside.
He gave me that crooked grin, but said nothing, leaving our hands swinging between us. We continued to walk through the exhibits and after a few minutes, decided to see the Planet Earth 4-D show. As we sat watching the fish swim on the large screen in our silly glasses, I subconsciously laced my fingers through his. As soon as I realized what I had done, I peeked at him through the corner of my eye and saw a shy smile spread across his face. Fuck, this man would seriously be the death of me.
“What do you got in that bag there, Masen?” I said trying to peek into it. Hoping to hell, he had remembered how much I loved Swedish fish and had gone into buy some in the candy store.
He snatched the bag away from my hands with a smirk. “Patience my dear. I'll show you when we get out to the car. Now give me back that hand, as we have not yet left these premises and you are still a danger to those around you.”
“Fine,” I mumbled smiling at him shyly and once again entwining our fingers together. Our hands fit together so perfectly. Like puzzle pieces being melded together, the same way my heart felt like it was being melded back together when I was in his presence.
I was so not ready for this day to end with him and was about to bring up getting some dinner when Edward spoke up first. “So I was thinking...”
“Oh lord, don't hurt yourself, Edward” I interrupted with a laugh.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny Bella,” he said sarcastically looking at me with the most devilishly handsome grin on his face. “Now let me finish. I was thinking if you want whatever I have in this bag right here, that I'm going to need you to agree to go to dinner with me. Right now, I mean, not later this week or anything.”
I put on my best hurt face. “Are you saying you don't want to go out with me again this week? Because I kinda thought we were having fun,” I whined in a fairly pathetic voice. I should win an Oscar for this performance.
He chuckled. “Oh, Bella. You know you can't act or lie for shit. I don't know why you even try.” Well so much for that Oscar, I guess. “Anyways, you know what I meant. I'm not ready for this to be over yet. Say you'll come to dinner with me?”
I laughed as Edward tried to give me his best puppy dog eyes. As if I had any intention of denying him. “Of course, I'll go to dinner. What did you have in mind?”
A huge smile spread across his face and I had the sudden urge to kiss him, but looked down quickly to try and clear my mind. “Something out of the way, hidden where we can talk and get something decent to eat. Know of any place like that?”
I looked back up meeting his eyes and smiled while nodding me head. “I might. Now what's in that bag,” I teased.
“I love it. Thank you,” I said sincerely. “I um, might have gotten you something too.” I reached into my purse pulling out the wrapped ornament and handing it to him. He looked at me in shock, but took it and started to pull it open.
“Bella, you didn't have to do this,” he breathed.
I watched him as a far away, sad look seemed to take over his features. I panicked and began to stutter something about how I could take it back or whatever if he didn't like it. His eyes shot to mine at once and he reached out and took my hand bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. “No, no, no. I love it. I'm sorry, it just brought back some memories for a minute. Honestly, it is so perfect you have no idea. Thank you.” He tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. I cursed myself for most likely ruining the whole day, but gave a small smile anyway.
I drove to McFadden's, which was actually better known for its nightlife, but had good food and on a Sunday without football or a baseball game, I figured it was kind of perfect for a quiet, low-key dinner. Unfortunately, with Edward's change of mood I wasn't sure if quiet was really the best choice for us now. The last thing I wanted was for us to go back to being awkward again.
The restaurant had sort of an Irish Pub atmosphere. It wasn't fancy or anything inside, just the typical mahogany wood and brass features. The place had some incredible homemade bleu cheese chips and was probably best known for their Shepard's pie, but it also had the typical American pub-type food. We were shown to our table by the hostess, who in my opinion was a little over-zealous in her attention to Edward. He as always, smiled and charmed her pants off, without even really saying anything to her. That damn dazzling smile. I don't even think he knew what it did to people. Or did he really know the power that smile had on the unfortunate soul he unleashed it on? Sneaky.
Once we were seated back in the dining room section, we ordered some drinks. Both of us deciding on a draft beer. I figured I might need something to take the edge off anyway. Thankfully, Edward was the first to speak after our awkward exchange in the car. “So what's good here? You want to split an appetizer or something?”
I smiled. “Um, yeah sure. That sounds good. I'm partial to the homemade chips with the bleu cheese, but the wings are good too. Whatever you want, is really fine with me.”
He stared at me
Edward furrowed his brows and looked up at me. “Everything is good at work, Bella, but come on, you know I don't want to discuss that stuff now. And I really don't want you to start acting like whatever I want is “fine.” You know I hate that damn word. So can we just drop all this weirdness and start over again?”
His voice was soft, encouraging, not threatening at all and yet I nodded hesitantly. I don't know why. I had been having such a good time, and now I had gotten myself into this funk, and I just couldn't seem to shake it. I wanted to know what made him look so sad in the car. I wanted to actually talk, like really talk, but I was so nervous around him and I didn't know how to start a conversation. It all seemed so natural when we were teenagers and though once we got going now, everything seemed fine, there was always this underlying tension and uncomfortableness that I couldn't quite place. Fuck, I was totally freaking myself out. The last thing I needed to happen here was some damn anxiety attack.
Calm the fuck down, Bella. You're going to make him think you are crazy. Get it together and stop ruining this whole day.
“Bella,” he breathed quietly as his hand reached across the table.
I was so caught up in my mental lashing of myself that his touch took me by surprise and I flinched, pulling my hand away quickly. Shit. What the hell was wrong with me? My eyes flew to his, afraid to see his reaction. What I saw there though was the picture of patience and kindness. Keeping our eyes locked, he again reached his hand out and took mine in his, squeezing it lightly. His touch allowed me to breathe; I hadn't even realized that I had been holding my breath before.
“Bella what's wrong? What's going on?” he inquired, concern etched across his face. I apparently was losing control of all of my rational thinking and functioning, because the next thing I knew a tear slipped from my eye and began rolling down my cheek.
Edward's eyes widened and he quickly slid out of his side of the booth and in next to me. “Baby, please don't cry.” He put his hands on either side of my face, looking deep in my eyes. “What is it? Please tell me,” he practically begged.
He called me Baby. I loved when he called me that. I didn't know if it was something that just slipped out or if he still felt that much affection towards me, but it made me happy. I wanted to tell him what was going on. I wanted this so badly. However, just as I opened my mouth to answer, a young waitress walked around the corner and must have recognized Edward for the first time. She gasped and stared at us, forgetting about the step that was next to our table. The next thing I knew, her tray, which thankfully was empty, had gone sailing out in front of her and she landed with a loud thud and a small scream, face first on the ground. Edward whipped his head around and jumped out of the booth checking to see if she was okay. The girl jumped up in obvious embarrassment, began apologizing to him profusely, and then practically ran back into the kitchen.
Startled by the incident, Edward looked at me in worry, not sure what he should have done and dammit, I just couldn't help it, but my face broke out in a smile and I started giggling uncontrollably.
“Shh. Bella, don't laugh. She could have been hurt,” he dead-panned, sliding back into the booth next to me. Unfortunately, the seriousness in his voice just made me laugh harder. I honestly wasn't laughing at the poor girl. I was laughing for the all the ridiculousness that had happened since we walked into the damn restaurant. My emotions seemed to be all over the place. The good news was that it seemed to break me out of my funk.
“I'm sorry. It's not funny, I know,” I said trying with all my might to hold in my laughter. I bit both lips into my mouth, but I still couldn't control it and the next thing I knew horribly obnoxious noises were escaping from my nostrils. I slapped my hands to my face to try and get the control back.
“Isabella Marie Swan,” he said laughing. “Shame on you.”
We both were laughing at this point and I was glad that our waiter decided to appear with our appetizer just then and break the spell. Both of us calming down when we smelled the delicious aroma of the melted cheese.
“Mmm... yummy,” Edward said fanning his mouth as he stuck the piping hot chips in his mouth.
“Well don't hurt yourself trying to get to them. Give them a second to cool off, I promise I'm not going to eat them all or anything,” I smiled playfully.
He smiled in return. Obviously thankful that whatever was happening between us before seemed to be over. “Please, you act like I don't know you. Don't think I don't remember how you could finish an entire pizza on your own when you were hungry enough.”
My mouth popped open in surprise and I elbowed him in the side causing him to choke a little and us both to laugh. The waiter came back a few moments later to ask how everything was and we decided to go ahead and place our dinner order. Edward decided on the Philly cheesesteak and I ordered a California wrap.
“So what was all of that back there? What's going on in that pretty little head of yours, Swan?” He asked once the server left again.
We continued picking at the chips and I prepared myself to explain. Blushing over my girlish over-reaction. “Yeah, sorry about all that. I don't know what came over me. Honestly?” I asked. He nodded so I continued. “Well it had to do with what happened in the car. I could see that the gift upset you, Edward and well, I just feel like I ruined everything.”
“What did you ruin? I told you I loved the gift. I meant it, Bella. Really. It's, well it's perfect actually,” he stated vehemently.
“You know, you forget I know you too. I'm not so blind to notice that when you smiled afterward it wasn't a real smile. You were solemn and your thoughts seemed a mile away. And before, well before, everything was going so well. I feel like a ruined the whole day by giving you that. Then my nerves just took over and I couldn't seem to get a hold of myself.”
Edward grabbed my hand bringing it to his mouth and kissing my knuckles. “Bella, please don't hold in what you are feeling. You can tell me anything. I want to know everything that is going on up in here,” he said kissing my forehead. The feel of his lips on my forehead nearly taking my breath away.
We were interrupted again when our waiter brought the food to the table. We both ordered another beer and started digging into our meals. Once he came back again with our drinks, Edward cleared his throat.
“So before, the reason I got like that, was because the ornament reminded me so much of my childhood and times with my parents. My mom is crazy about Christmas and has always gone overboard. My dad just always rolled his eyes, but never tried to discourage her when she came home with new decorations every year. Our house had become almost like the Griswald's at one point,” he laughed, the faraway look still in his eyes. “And well, I told you about how we always went to Sea World and so that sorta just reminded me of some of those times too. I miss those family memories. I haven't even had my own Christmas tree since I've lived on my own. It's almost kind of sad. Things just aren't the same without my dad,” he said quietly.
He looked up at me slowly, immediately noticing the confusion on my face. “He passed awhile back,” he added.
My eyes were wide. I knew how much his father meant to him. That must have been heartbreaking when he died. “God, Edward, I'm so sorry. I didn't know.”
He smiled. “No, I know. It's okay,” he said shaking it off. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “The reason the gift was so perfect was because, it kinda felt like you were giving me that permission to start over, to really move on. It took me by surprise at first the feelings I felt, but it was kinda what I needed. So thank you for that,” he declared kissing my hand once more.
Dinner conversation morphed after that into easy banter and we talked and shared another drink before heading out a little after nine when the music got louder and the crowd got more boisterous. The evening inevitably had to come to an end, though I wouldn't have been opposed to a few more hours with Edward. Unfortunately, he had practice in the morning and I had some meetings scheduled, so it would need to be an early night for both of us.
“Have dinner with me tomorrow night. Please, Bella?” Edward suddenly said his eyes pleading with me. In the dim light of the car, he looked so young, so much like the boy I had originally fallen in love with. I had to swallow back the emotions that it stirred in me.
I nodded, but then thought maybe it would be better to spend some time together alone. While I enjoyed the outing today, it would be nice to not have people staring at us and interrupting our time together for Edward's autograph. “Um, would you consider coming over to my place? I could make us some dinner and then maybe we could watch a movie or something?”
That beautiful crooked smile appeared on his face and he nodded just as we pulled into his building. “Yeah, I'd like that Bella. So I guess I'll call you tomorrow after practice and you can give me some directions over to your place.” He paused staring deep into my eyes. Was he going to kiss me? I wanted that so much, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if we were ready for that yet.
“I had a great time with you today. More fun than I've had in... damn, I can't even remember,” he said reaching out for my hand and rubbing it gently with his thumb. His stare continued to penetrate deep into my soul. Slowly he exhaled. “We'll take this slow. Okay, Bells? Let's just see where this goes, there's no expectations.” He raised my hand to his mouth and lightly kissed each knuckle before rubbing his nose lightly along the ridges. “Goodnight, Bella. I'll talk to you tomorrow,” he uttered quietly before slipping out of the car.
