Chapter 10: Patience

Song Selections:
“What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts
“Maybe It's Me” by Ingram Hill
“If Your Not the One” by Daniel Bedingfield
“Wait for You” by Elliot Yamin

---

**Edward's POV**

Had she really just slapped me? I thought to myself while rubbing my left cheek.
I suppose I probably deserved it. It wasn't like I asked for her permission before kissing her, but it really seemed like she was enjoying it. Honestly, I wouldn't have pushed so hard if I had thought it would turn out badly. Watching her dancing with Mike was making me sick to my stomach. The liquid courage was bubbling to the surface and I found myself inexplicably drawn to her mouth. Dear Lord, how I loved her mouth. Even though she had a nasty little habit of chewing on her damn bottom lip when she was nervous, they were always soft and warm. When we kissed, they always made me feel complete, made me feel at home. Our lips always fit perfectly together and because of this, I couldn't stop kissing them, nor did I want to. She needed to feel the emotions I still had for her because let’s face it, words were not getting us anywhere, but rather moving us in the absolute fucking wrong direction. Case in point, our disastrous meeting this afternoon. Holy shit!
My inner thoughts were interrupted by an argument that seemed to be taking place between Bella and Newton. God, I hated that motherfucker! Her full fury seemed to be turned towards him, which was making no damn sense as she had slapped me, not him. Bella was yelling something about not needing him to be her knight in shining armor or her hero, Thank God for that, but the entire situation was still baffling me into a complete trance. This confusion really shouldn’t have surprised me though, because nothing about this day, meeting her, seeing her, arguing with her, or feeling her lips against mine after all of the years was making any damn sense.
Edward, get your shit together bro. It’s Bella we’re talking about here so why the hell would it make any sense at all? Honestly, guy.
Once again lost in my own Bella and alcohol induced train of thought, I heard the words that finally made me come back to the here and now. Bella had walked towards me and was now standing on her tiptoes as close to my ear as she could reach. “Edward,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper “I am so sorry. Please believe me. That slap was meant for Mike, never for you.”
Well, fuck. That made more sense now. I tried to reach out and pull her towards me once again because I was like an addict. I needed to feel her, touch her, and kiss her to really know that she was real. I needed to feel complete and I knew that she was the only way for me to feel this.
I need, I need, I need. Dipshit, you’re one needy bastard aren’t you?
So, just like a person in need of his drug of choice, now that I had a taste of what I was missing, there was no way I could let that go again. Yep, typical addict right here. She started moving slowly back towards me, the moment of bliss returning, but as quick as it started it was suddenly halted. Apparently I could never catch a break with this girl and that literally broke my heart again. Even though we had been apart for far too long, I could still read her like a book. Her eyes were sad and lonely and her body seemed to be incurring the wrath of her over-analytical brain. It appeared as if her head and heart were in a constant struggle with one another and, at the moment, it seemed as if her head was winning because I saw her straining to back away. This, in turn, was only fueling the confusion running rampant in my brain. The whole episode turning into one big contradiction, which shouldn’t have surprised me in the slightest because nothing between Bella and I was ever simple. The past few minutes stood as a perfect example of the perplexity of our current predicament. Bella was into the kiss, then I was slapped, then she admits the slap wasn't for me, but when I try to bring her back to me once more, she pulls away from me again like I have some strange flesh eating disease. Women were so damn confusing, when really nothing between us needed to be confusing at all. As to why they can’t get straight to the point and stop taking fucking detours and shit to end up at the same place, is beyond me.
As baffled as I was though, I also was absolutely positive regarding the fact that I couldn't let her get away again. I made that mistake so many years ago and look where it landed me… standing in a bar in front of the girl who always held my heart in the palm of her delicate little hands, confused and scared as fuck that this would be the last time I ever saw her beautiful brown eyes. It would rip my heart out if she left like this, and to be fair, she was way too good at hiding, like stealthy I could work for the secret service as a foreign operative, good at hiding. Because of this, I didn't know if I'd ever be able to find her again. She had literally been right under my nose for the past six years and I never saw her, so I was rather confident that if she wanted to hide, she could disappear forever. To me, this wasn’t an option. I had been living as a shell of a man for far too long, and I’d be damned if I left Bella, the one person who really made my life worth living, go that easily.
Feeling my time with her slipping faster away by the second, I pleaded “Bella, come here baby. Please don’t walk away. Please.”
At that moment, I saw her eyes fill with tears and caught a glimpse of exactly how deep the pain in her was rooted. Her beautiful soul and feisty, yet gentle spirit was so broken, which was such a shame, because she deserved more than this. She deserved to be loved and cherished and made to feel wanted. She deserved to come home to someone every night and wake up with that person every morning. She deserved to feel as if she was taken care of and safe. She deserved to be forgiven for her past and find acceptance of her mistakes. She deserved the world. Deep down inside I knew that she wanted those very things with me, but was too scared to admit it to anyone. Bella, the girl I would move heaven and earth for, looked at me as if she was unworthy of my love. This small, yet gigantic wave of pain in her eyes quickened the pace at which my heart continued to fracture. God, please don't let this be it.
“I can’t do this right now, Edward. I can’t. It’s simply too much,” she quietly stated before turning and starting to walk away.
I grabbed her arm, effectively turning her back towards me. I knew this certainly wasn’t the time or place to be having a conversation about our past and hopefully our future, but I just couldn't stop myself. She was asking for time and space, but we had already had so much lost time and useless space that there was no god-dammed way I could do it again. If I gave her the space she was inadvertently asking for, she would run and if she ran, I didn’t know if I could catch or ever find her. I was truly a desperate man. I didn't want to live another moment of my life without her and knew that I would never survive if she were to vanish. I had been barely holding on as it was, but if she left, if she disappeared from me again, I knew without a doubt that I would crumble. I'd do anything to get her back, including beg.
“Please, Bella I am begging you. Don’t walk away from me again. Don’t walk away from us.”
Still seeing the war raging in the depths of her eyes, her emotions continued pulling her in every different direction imaginable. When they finally focused, I knew it was too late. Tears were streaming down her face and I could feel her slipping away from me emotionally. I wanted to hold her tight within my arms and say all of the things that I should have ten years ago, but I wasn’t able to formulate the words. I knew what it felt like to lose her, and because of this I was ready to fight for her and express in whatever means possible that there was never anyone that I could love besides her, but her eyes became painstakingly broken, distant and I knew, right then and there, they were telling me I never would have this chance. My heart stilled as I waited for her to tell me goodbye for the final time. For her to leave me shattered into so many pieces that I would never be able to be put back together.
“Edward,” she pleaded so painfully that I could feel it breaking her own fragile heart “please let me go. I can’t do this right now, please. I don’t deserve you.”
Throwing my own walls up around me, so I wouldn't cry myself, I let my hand slowly drop down her arm. She paused for just the slightest of moments, looking as if she were debating on whether to stay with me after all, but this was sadly not meant to be. Feeling the air leave my chest and my world blacking out, I watched her walk away. Even though I knew I needed to move, my feet simply wouldn’t allow it. Instead, I watched her make her way through the crowd to the exit and disappear into the cool, night air. I hoped to all that was holy that I would see her again, find a way to get back what we had, and have our futures together, but knew this was unlikely. That realization, that one moment of clarity, is what broke me beyond belief.
Both of my hands tangled into my hair as I tried to get a grip on what had just happened. So many regrets, so many lost chances to tell her how I really felt in the past. I had so much to tell her now, but once again history was repeating itself. I felt like the lost eighteen year-old boy all those years ago, because now just as then, I had let her go without her knowing how much I truly loved her. Had we really never shared those words with each other? It was always implied how deep our love for one another was, as everyone could see it immediately, but it was still difficult to believe that those three simple words were never exchanged between us. If they were, would the outcome of our future together been different? Would she have known without a shadow of a doubt that was my entire being and reason I was created was because of her? I would trade anything to have one more chance with her, one more opportunity to look into the most beautiful brown eyes I would ever see and confess exactly what she meant to me. To tell her how her smile makes my day and how the blush in her cheeks takes my breath away. How she was my very first thought in the morning and the person I wish a good night to before I close my weary eyes. How she was my reason for living and the only person I have ever loved. If only I were given this chance… if only.
“Who the fuck do you think you are, Masen?” I heard Newton say as I was unexpectedly being shoved backwards. Oh, no. This asshole better not even dare start with me right now. I took a step back to regain my footing, as I dropped my hands from my head, staring daggers into his punk-ass face.
I practically fucking growled at him before sneering “If you know what's best for you, Newton, you will Back. The. Fuck. Off. Right now.”
He smirked. “You think you scare me, Golden Boy? I've seen plenty of assholes just like you go in and out of this locker room. You think you're the first one to ever try to make a play for Bella? Believe me, there have been plenty, and all with the exact same outcome.”
It was taking every bit of self control I had at the moment to stop from beating this fucker’s ass down right then and there. God, I hated motherfucking Mike Newton. The only thing stopping me was the fact that we were in a public place, press would inevitably be called, and such a public relations nightmare would alienate Bella and myself even more. Although this is exactly what this dick face wanted, I would be damned if I let it occur.
Mike, this is your lucky day you son of a bitch! This is your lucky day.
“Do you count yourself in with that group, too?” I interrupted. I fucking hated that Golden Boy nickname. If I hadn't been so against physical violence, I probably would have punched him right at that moment square in the jaw. The visualization became more tempting as I realized a broken jaw would have to be reset and wired shut, effectively keeping his damn mouth quiet for weeks.
“Please, you wish. I was invited by the endearing Ms. Black to join her here tonight. Somehow, I'm guessing that you weren't. You may have been hot shit back in Phoenix, but you are a no one here, Masen. Bella won't be one of your little whores; she's got too much class for that. Find someone else to fuck with.”
This asshat was pushing my buttons and had far surpassed working my last nerve. My temper was flaring. Fists balled up at the sides as my eyes narrowed directly on him. With every ounce of control I had left in me, I cooly said “You have no idea what you are talking about, Newton. Stay out of it. Bella is a grown woman and she can make her own decisions. I'm pretty sure I heard her telling you in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't appreciate you marking your territory on her like a goddamn dog.”
“That girl has no idea what she wants or needs. Believe me, she will be begging me for forgiveness tomorrow when she sobers up. I'm not worried.” That fucker smirked once again, but this time I couldn't contain myself. I felt my arm drawing backwards, but right as I was about to let my fist fly, I felt a strong tug on my upper arm pulling it back once again.
“That's enough, E. Let's just go home before you regret something terrible tomorrow,” Jasper said as I turned around to see what had been the brute force that interrupted my plan to silence this moron once and for all.
He was right of course. I would most certainly probably regret punching Newton and right now, I didn't think I could handle anymore regrets. I glared at Mike once more before brushing Jasper off and heading towards the exit of the lounge. When we got down to ground level, I was assaulted by the frigid air of the night. Alice had already hailed us a cab, so I jumped in the back seat and slid all the way over to the window, pulling my coat tight around me. I was shaking but I wasn't sure if it was due to my anger, pain or the cold, but it was unrelenting. Alice rubbed my arm reassuringly, but stayed uncharacteristically quiet, as did Jasper, the entire ride back to my place. I couldn't have been more thankful for this peace, as I had no intention of discussing anything that happened tonight with either of them. I really just wanted to be alone with my thoughts for awhile.
When we arrived back at my condo I thrusted a few bills at the driver and jumped quickly out of the car. I was surprised when Jasper and Alice exited the cab also, until I remembered that we had decided earlier to all just spend the night here. I was greatly regretting that decision right now but nothing could be done about it at this point. We rode up the elevator in relative silence and upon entering my place Alice and Jasper headed towards the guest room as I headed into the kitchen. I was seriously considering having another drink just to take the edge off, but I doubted it would be much more effective. Instead I grabbed a glass of water, gulping it down in two large swallows, before resting my forehead on the stainless steel refrigerator. How I had messed all of this up again so royally, I had no idea. My thoughts were spinning out of control when I felt the heat of a small hand rubbing up and down my back. It was Alice, and while I appreciated the gesture, I knew if I turned around to look at her I might end up crying. She seemed to sense this, almost like a precognition, and instead whispered that she was here anytime if I wanted to talk. She kissed my clothed shoulder chastely and then turned and left the room. I sighed, filled my glass up once more and headed into my bedroom.
I changed quickly into some flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt before climbing into bed. It took several minutes for me to get comfortable as my mind refused to turn off. I eventually fell into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning, experiencing one vivid nightmare after another. Some were about my father, but most were about Bella. No matter how horrible the image, they all lead to the same outcome... Bella was gone. As hard as I tried, I couldn't wake from them. Something was keeping my mind locked into this disastrous REM stage. When I finally awoke, I practically jumped into a sitting position on the bed, covered in sweat, and clutching something in my arms like a life preserver.
“Shhh... you're okay, Edward. It's just a dream. You're okay.” I turned my head towards the sound and saw that I was clutching Alice's delicate arm, almost as if she was keeping me from drowning.
“Alice? What are you...” I asked in confusion before trailing off. “Never mind,” I said in defeat. This wasn't the first time I've had dreams like this I knew. My mother and Jazz had frequently tried to soothe me during the night. “Thank you, for being here. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be sorry. You want to talk about the dreams? It might help,” she tried to persuade me.
It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about them, but I didn't really know what help it would be. I glanced over at the alarm clock and realized it was a little after three-thirty in the morning. I groaned knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anyways. These types of dreams typically did that to me. “There's really not that much to talk about. I've been having the same dreams for years. Sometimes they just get worse. Obviously it makes sense why I'm getting them tonight.”
She patted the pillow next to her and I laid back down, trying to get more comfortable. “Tell me about your dad, Edward. You mentioned him some in your dreams.”
Fuck me and my damn sleep talking. Well I supposed it was still an easier subject than Bella, so I might as well start there. “Umm... well, he died right after I graduated high school. He had been sick for some time with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He's actually the reason we moved to Forks.
“Really? I'm sorry Edward. Did Bella know about him being sick? She's never mentioned anything about that to me. She's actually told me a lot about your mom and dad, I'm just surprised that never came up,” Alice inquired.
Well fuck-a-duck, here we go I suppose. Regret number one, your number is ready. “No, she doesn't know, at least I don't think she does.” Alice furrowed her brow and gave me a questioning look. “Well it's not much different than her not telling me her grandfather owned a major league baseball team. I didn't want anyone talking about it. I was the new kid. Who moves their senior year of high school with only two months left in the year? Absolutely no one, that's who. I had hoped to make a few friends and I didn't want them to just try out of pity. So I kept it to myself. When he started to really go downhill, I always made up excuses for why we couldn't go to my house. I had made up my mind to finally tell her the night of the graduation party. He was really getting bad, barely in and out of consciousness, and I needed to talk to someone so badly, but somehow I got too drunk, and well, I'm sure you've heard the rest of this already.”
Alice nodded her head and sat quietly for a few moments. I thought maybe she had drifted off, when she finally spoke out again. “Why did you move to Forks? You're right, not too many families would move their child with only two months left in the school year, especially as a senior.
“My father, Edward Sr., was my biggest fan. He was so proud when I had got accepted with a full baseball scholarship to USC. He had such high aspirations for me to make it to the big leagues.” I smiled just remembering how proud he had been the day I got that acceptance letter in the mail. He had slapped me on the back and then pulled me into one of the biggest man-hugs around. Tears welled in his eyes and he told me that he knew one day all our dreams were going to come true. Sometimes I wondered if I didn't just push myself so hard, so that my father would continue to have his dreams for me come true.
“Once my college plans were solidified, I agreed to move with my family to the small town of Forks. My father was well aware that he didn't have much time left and wanted to be somewhere that was both scenic and green. Somewhere peaceful, away from all the city lights and sounds of big city San Diego. He told both my mother and I that he had drove through this sleepy little town years ago and that he just felt connected to it. At the time, I didn't understand why we couldn't have just moved to Lake Tahoe. It was also green and scenic, but had lots of activities to keep me entertained.”
I chuckled, thinking of the lush and green and sunny Lake Tahoe and the also lush and green, but dreary Forks. I asked him once, what he could possibly have felt connected to in this small town, but he told me that he felt there was a reason his remission ended when it did and that there was just something about that town, that he knew he needed to spend his last days in it. I personally liked to think that somehow he knew I would find Bella and that she would change me irrevocably. When he died, my father thought I had still been blissfully happy with my beautiful girl; I didn't want to disappoint him and let him know how I had messed things up so badly that she left me.
“However, I would have done anything for my father, he was my hero, so we packed up and headed to Washington. I met Bella only a week later,” I added.
I saw Alice's ears perk up immediately, her demeanor becoming much more like her usual peppy self and I groaned internally. “Tell me the story of how you met, please. Of course, I've heard Bella's version, but I'm a sucker for romance, what can I say. Plus, it's a happy story. We could both use happy right now, right?”
I laughed dryly. “You drive a hard bargain, Alice. I suppose we could both use a little happiness right now. Let's see, where to start...
We arrived in Forks during the school's spring break. My father had called ahead to speak to the baseball coach and to make sure I would have a place on the team this late in the season. I considered taking some time off from baseball until I left for college, but my father disagreed with the idea stating my skills might get rusty. I met with the team and had a few practices during that week. I made friends with a few of the guys, but desperately missed my boys from back home. The team was unbearably bad and I easily took over the starting third base position from a guy named Eric. Our first home game was scheduled for the following Wednesday and I looked forward to it. I hoped the day would be nice so my dad could come out and watch.
During warm ups, I looked around the field. There were only a few people there to watch the game. Back in California, the stands would always be full of students and people from the community. No wonder the team was so crappy, they had no support or cheering section, I thought. I immediately noticed the two girls and the very tall, russet-skinned boy sitting in the stands. The girls each had long brown hair and were cute in that girl-next-door kind of way. The guy was huge, with short spiky black hair. I figured he was probably on the basketball team.
We took the field first as the home team. The first batter singled to right field. Not a great start. The second batter popped up into foul territory on the third base line. I ran for the ball and ended up diving into the bleachers before making the catch. As I looked up, I was met with the most sensational pair of chocolate-colored eyes I had ever seen. Her forehead raised and her mouth opened with surprise, while those giant doe eyes had concern radiating from them.

“Oh my God! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” came from this beautiful creature's mouth.
I could barely breathe. I was so lost in her eyes. They were so expressive. So warm. So astoundingly beautiful. Instead of answering, I just stared at her like a little kid does at a cookie eaten by Santa Claus. I knew I had to say something because the moment was starting to take on a very awkward vibe. I could see her starting to look around at her friends for help. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably less than twenty seconds, I swallowed hard and nodded my head. I pushed myself up and off the bleachers, then turned and threw the ball back to the pitcher. I chanced one more look at the girl before trotting back to my position.
The game itself was fairly disastrous. I went two for five on the day, which was one of my worst showings in my high school career. I couldn't concentrate because I kept peeking out of my peripheral vision to see the girl. I had no plans on coming to this Podunk town and starting to date someone when I had moved. But I couldn't take my eyes off the girl. I felt drawn to her. I remember I wanted to talk to her so badly. I wish I could have shown off a little more for her though, but really I was embarrassed by my game that day.
After the game I went back to the locker room to change. I was surprised to see her still sitting in the stands when I walked out to my car. Could she have been as smitten with me as I was with her? Slowly making my way over to the bleachers, I heard her call to me. When I heard her voice again, it was like the sky parted and I had been given a second chance to talk to her. Although I wanted to play the cocky, typical baseball player, I wasn’t able to with her. The look in her eyes and the gentle nature radiating off her, brought feelings up that I never knew existed, never knew I wanted, but now that I was feeling them I never wanted them to disappear.
“Edward, right? I'm Bella. I write the baseball write-ups for the school paper. Would you mind if I did a feature on you?” She began walking down the bleachers and tripped, practically flying and landed directly into my outstretched arms. I couldn't help but to chuckle.
Bella blushed immediately and righted herself. It was so endearing. She seemed almost as nervous as I was. I realized immediately that she was more than just girl-next-door cute. She was beautiful.
Bella. What a perfect name for her. She was so small and petite. She had a creamy pale skin tone that was perfectly accented by a white hoodie that came to her elbows. Under it she wore, a dark blue tee-shirt and light colored blue jeans. Her long slightly wavy brown hair hung loosely down her back and I could see specks of red that glinted off in the sunlight. Her lips were pink and full, although maybe slightly asymmetrical. They were mesmerizing. All I could think about was how I wanted nothing more than to kiss her.
I forced my eyes away from Bella's lips and smiled at her. What in the world had come over me? I never had any problems getting female attention back in San Diego, but I had never really dated any girl seriously. I always told myself I was too busy with school and baseball, that I wouldn't have the time to dedicate to someone else. Truthfully, I just didn't want to bring home someone my Dad might have been disappointed in.
“Sorry about that. I'm a little clumsy sometimes,” Bella said while trying not to make eye contact with me. Adorable!
I wished she would look back at me, so I could read more in her eyes. “It's fine,” I chuckled and flashed my crooked smile, the one I knew even then, could knock a girl to her knees. “No. Don't worry about it at all. I'm happy to catch you anytime.” I realized then that I was embarrassing myself and sounding like a complete idiot, so I quickly tried to change the subject. “So about this interview, did you want to do it today or another time?”
She finally looked back, her eyes twinkling with excitement and a huge grin on her face. “Today would be perfect. Should we get started?”
Bella asked endless questions about my life in San Diego and my baseball career. I told her everything, while carefully avoiding information about my father. I didn't want her to feel bad for me and I wasn't sure I could actually open up about my feelings anyway. Our conversation was easy and natural, like we had known each other for years. During that thirty minute interview, I smiled more than I had in months. We decided to meet again the following day after practice for any additional questions she might come up with overnight. If I was being honest, it was simply a lame ass excuse to talk to her again.
When I finally left the field that night, I was looking forward to our second meeting. I knew Bella and I could be great friends, but deep down, I knew I wanted more than to be “just friends” with her. I just wasn't sure that was really a good idea since I had a lot of family obligations to deal with.
Laying in bed that night, all I could see were those eyes when I closed my own. I knew I had to see her again. I couldn't ignore those overpowering feelings and I didn’t want to. Even though I wasn't sure that she felt the same way, I wanted to at least try with her. For the first time, I wanted to try to have a girlfriend.


So we did, and we went full damn steam ahead. Seriously, like a 'Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars' type of thing. It was intense from the beginning, both in good and bad ways. Our attraction was undeniable, but we just clicked about so much when we talked. I was desperate for her, she was like my air and I tried to hold on to her too tightly, I think. We fought constantly about the stupidest of things, but always made up with the most unbelievable sex. Sex, which to this day, has never been duplicated even on our worst days,” I finished, stretching slightly and bringing my hands behind my head.
“What kinds of things did you argue about, Edward,” Alice asked seriously.
I bit my lower lip into my mouth and admitted my biggest flaw. “My jealousy, mainly. I'd never been in a relationship before and I was having so many problems at home and like I said, I clung to her desperately. I wanted her to myself. My feelings were so intense and I didn't know how to handle that unless I was with her.”
“What do you mean?” Alice interrupted.
“When I saw her with Jacob, at the time I knew they were just friends and that she felt his friendship was invaluable, but still, I would get so anxious while she was with him. It's like I couldn't relax, like a part of me was missing, and when she was finally with me, I felt at peace and whole again. At first I handled it pretty well, but as my dad's health deteriorated, I found myself more and more desperate to have her with me and only me. It wasn't really fair to her since she didn't even know my Dad was sick, but for some reason I just expected her to sense when I needed her and drop everything to be there for me.
So, overtime, I started developing this immense anger towards Jacob, which I am not proud of at all. Just her mentioning his name, could set me off. I gave her ultimatums for Christ's sake, which isn’t me. At least, I don't think that is me. But whatever, that’s beside the point. I've never had those same kinds of reactions to women I've dated since Bella and I broke up. What scares me the most is that even now, when I've only seen her again one day after ten years apart, those same feelings are resurfacing. When I saw her dancing with Mike Newton tonight and he was touching her, I just wanted to pummel him. I know you told me there was nothing to be worried about with him, but I still can't seem to control myself. That, that feeling of jealously scares the shit out of me Alice,” I admitted honestly.
“Okay. Well that is something we are seriously going to need to work on then, if you want to have any chance of getting back together with her. Is that why you were talking about Jake in your dream?” she questioned.
I furrowed my brows, not really remembering what had happened with Jake in my dream. “I don't know, I don't remember. What was I saying?”
“You said you had to find her and that you knew he was aware of where she was or something to that affect.”
Ah, of course. I hated that Jake knew where Bella was when she left and wouldn't tell me. And now, knowing he fucking married her and played on her emotions in order for it to happen, made me hate him even more. Perhaps my jealousy was called for after all, but I digress. “After Bella left, I went to Jake and pleaded for him to tell me where she was. I just wanted to talk to her, to apologize. Even if she wouldn't take me back, I needed her to know how I felt. He refused. I knew he was aware of exactly where she had gone and that he was probably still keeping in touch with her, but no matter what I said, he wouldn't tell me anything.”
“That Motherfucker,” Alice proclaimed. I looked at her questioningly, although I won't say I didn't agree. “Sorry. I can't say anything about that right now, not until after I talk to Bella. I've just never been much of a fan of Jake's. I always knew he was hiding something from her and you basically just confirmed it.
Look, I'm not going to lie to you here, Edward, you have your work cut out for you if you plan on getting Bella back. She was so unbelievably broken when she found you with Lauren, and I know she has a difficult time trusting people to begin with. She doubts her self immensely, so much so that she truly feels as if she isn’t worthy of real happiness or love. You are going to need to be patient with her. I'm not saying play hard to get, I'm simply saying don't push her too much. Let her make the first move. I honestly think she will, but if she feels pressured into it, she's going to throw up her defense walls and run again. Do you think you could do that?”
I stared at Alice wanting to say “of course,” but realizing I needed to give it some actual thought. I have had very little control over my actions since I had come back in contact with Bella. Constantly wanting to touch her, feel her, and even taste her. The compulsions were done practically without thought as my draw to her was magnetic. It would take every ounce of my self-restraint to stay away from her, to let her make the first move. I swallowed hard. I knew the sacrifice would be worth it if it worked. “I can do that,” I answered honestly.
“Good. The next thing we have to do is get you both talking. You both seem to be equally to blame when it comes to your suck-ass communication skills as a couple. Listening to you both, it just seems like so many of your problems were due to poor communication. Even your jealousy seems to be partly skewed into the lack of communication. Had Bella known your real reasons for needing her as often as you did, perhaps you wouldn't have fought so much. I think it's best to try and get to know one another again. Start simply. Once you have some trust established in the present, then the past might be a little easier to deal with. Do you see what I mean?”
Holy shit. She is like Dr. Phil, Sigmund Freud, and a cute little old grandma wrapped into one trendy little package.
Alice brought up some good points and I knew we needed to discuss our past to eventually move on, but maybe starting over with the present was the way to initiate that. Starting at the midpoint and working our way back to the beginning, in order to eventually move forward towards the end. A little complicated, but hell, Bella and I had never been easy. I laughed in spite of myself. “The idea is so crazy it might just work, Ali.”
Alice smiled widely. “You've got a lot of personal demons you need to overcome, Edward. The depression, guilt, jealousy, and generalized mistrust in people, but we will deal with those as they come along. I need you to trust me in this process. If you don't trust me, I'm afraid you're going to drown trying to fight your way back out. I know Bella better than anyone. We have had a very special bond since we were kids. I can promise you I will stay neutral, but will be working to help both of you. I also promise not to divulge your secrets or issues with Bella or vice versa. The reason for this is because I want you guys to be able to tell them to each other when you're ready.”
I nodded my head. “That makes sense. I appreciate everything you are trying to do, Ali. I know this is not going to be an easy process, and I'm sure I'm going to fuck it up numerous times, but I know you have our best interests in mind. The fact that you are even willing to try and help me after everything I've done to her, is just amazing to me. Thank you.” I said emotion welling in my throat.
Alice shook her head. “First things first. Please, stop putting Bella on a pedestal. She has fucked up quite a bit, too. She doesn't deserve to be in that position. Trust me.”
Those words triggered something Bella had said to me last night. I don't deserve you. What the hell was she talking about? “She said that too, you know? That she doesn't deserve me. Why is she saying that, Ali? It is me who doesn't deserve her.”
She sighed. “As I mentioned before, Bella has her own demons to fight. She has made mistakes with you also, one that she regrets deeply, Edward. I'm sure when she's ready she will tell you exactly what it is she meant by that statement. Be patient, okay?”
I nodded although I was anything but satisfied. Alice peered over at the clock and sighed once more. It was already a quarter to six. “I'm going to shower real quick and then get out of here. I have a few errands I need to run. You should try and get a few hours of sleep before you have to be back at the field. I'll get Jasper up for work before I leave and we will lock up for you. Get some sleep, Edward. You're going to want to be on your A-game when you have to come face to face with Newton again today. That idiot is fucking relentless,” she quipped.
I yawned suddenly and then we both chuckled. I thanked Alice again before she left and then laid back down, falling into an extremely restful sleep minutes after my head hit my pillow.
The ringing of my phone woke me up at ten forty-five. Jasper. “Hello,” I answered my voice deep and groggy from sleep.
“Alice asked me to call you and wake you up so you wouldn't be late to practice. She wanted you to have as much sleep as possible. How ya feeling?”
I groaned. “I've had better mornings. That girl of yours is a keeper, though. Don't fuck that up.”
Jasper chuckled quietly into the receiver. “Don't I know it and I have no plans of screwing it up. Now get up and get moving, so you don't end up being late.”
Smirking, I faux-saluted him and gave him my best, “Yes, Major Whitlock. I'm up and at 'em.”
Jasper simply replied, “Fuck off, Assward” and hung up the phone.

Snickering, I pushed myself out of the warm bed and into the shower. I grabbed a pair of blue Puma track pants and a Cubs sweatshirt and dressed quickly. Then, I scrambled up some eggs and drank a cup of coffee and orange juice before heading out to the stadium for batting practice.
Today was another frigid day, the high expected to be in the mid-forties, but no rain expected, thank heavens. The weather adjustments were definitely going to be taking some time to get used to. When I reached the locker room, I put my batting practice jersey underneath by sweatshirt and then headed out to the field. Newton decided to be smart and stayed the hell away from me for most of the practice. I took most of my frustration with him out on the ball, hitting line drive after line drive. I was pleased with the stroke of my swing so far this season. Even with everything that was going on between Bella and myself, it was still great to know that I still had a passion for the game. This game helped me to find some peace and stability, not to mention that it always made me feel closer to my father.
At around three in the afternoon, I saw Bella make her way down to the field. She looked so beautiful in her green sweater and jeans. I tried my best to not stare at her, instead I resorted to repeating over and over again in my mind Alice's words of advice. She stopped and talked to the coaches and then to several players. I was starting to worry that maybe she wouldn't address me directly and my nerves started to get me quite worked up. Finally she made eye contact with me, smiling slightly and headed in my direction. I know it was only a small smile, but my word, did it instantly bring some light to my otherwise dark world. It gave me hope and you know what they say about hope, it floats.
All too soon, however, that douchewad Newton had to intercept her like she was a damn football or something. Gah, I hated that guy. Instinctively, I felt my hands clench into fists at my side all the while chanting to myself, “Calm the fuck down, Masen. Deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.” When I stole a glance over at Bella, I saw that she was eying me warily. She finally convinced Newton that it was his turn up at bat and he headed away towards the plate. Bella slowly walked the remainder of the way up to me and just like always, the pull towards her was so unbelievably powerful. I stared into her beautiful eyes, urging her to speak first. I didn't know how long I would last before I would need to either touch her or walk away. Something caught the corner of my eye and I glanced up, seeing Newton eyeing us suspiciously with a venomous glare. Just then, I felt a small warm hand touch and practically electrocute my skin when it made contact with my upper arm. I quickly brought my eyes back to Bella's. Praise baby Jeebus, she was actually touching me. My anxiousness and irritation seemed to ebb immediately.
“Edward, it’s fine, really. Mike just likes to run his mouth to get a rise out of people. Please, for me, ignore him,” she requested. If only he wasn't so damn hard to ignore. That moron was always buzzing in my ear about something or another.
I sighed heavily, trying to memorize the feel of her comforting touch and then nodded to indicate I would try to leave that idiot alone. I was dying to ask her if she was okay after last night. She looked so pained and broken when she left. And she had initiated the conversation, right? I was going to take advantage of my small opportunity.
“Bella, are you alright? With everything that happened last night, I need to know if you are alright.”
It was a simple question. One that could be answered with a yes or a no, but that would not require any additional conversation if she was not up for it. I searched her eyes, looking for an answer, but they were completely unreadable and I felt my sadness starting to creep back in.
“Edward,” she began in a quiet voice, “I know yesterday’s meeting between us didn’t go very well. Please know, that I am sorrier for my actions than you can ever imagine. I can’t imagine what you are thinking at this moment or about me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know.”
Why the hell did she keep apologizing to me? I desperately wanted to ask, just so I could let her off the hook for her obviously misplaced guilt, but I would trust Alice as she requested. Finally she spoke the words that made the angels sing and trumpets blare.
“So, I was wondering if you would like to meet tonight for coffee?”
Don't be too overeager Masen. Remember the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race. Take your time in answering her you over-zealous bastard, lest you might frighten her away again. I smiled softly, though I knew my eyes were dancing, thus probably blowing my cover. I didn’t give a flying fuck because she came to me. She wanted to meet me and talk to me. She was making the first move and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass me by again. This was my opening, my one last ditch effort to make it right and I knew I needed to jump on it like a fat kid wants cake.
“That sounds great. Coffee sounds perfect. Where would you like to meet?” I asked slightly too excited, but I didn’t care. This girl had me wrapped around her finger and now I was finally given the chance to explain this to her.
“How about around six at Julius Meinl on North Southport Avenue? Their coffee is to die for and they also have a lot of yummy food to snack on,” she said with an honest to goodness smile on her face. Her happiness affected me immediately and I could feel a pressure on my shoulders lift. This was the Bella I knew and loved. This was my Bella.

~xx~~~~~~xx~

I arrived at the coffee shop about fifteen minutes early. Leave it to me to be overanxious, but I just couldn't help it. I found a small square table and took a seat glancing at the menu briefly. The food did look good, a lot of Austrian dishes as well soups, salads, sandwiches, and desserts. I didn't want to order until Bella came, so I started to fiddle with my phone. I decided on a game of Sudoku to pass the time, but found I could barely concentrate on it. My knee was bouncing furiously, something I found I did when I was extremely nervous. The small hangnail on my thumb became an obsession to rid myself of, as time seemed to tick by ever so slowly. Good thing this place was almost empty, I can't even imagine what a fucking nutcase I must look like sitting her.
Glancing at my watch, I realized it was a few minutes after six. Panic started to set in. Is she going to stand me up? I really should not have gotten here so early, as I was driving myself insane. This meeting meant everything and I was not so stupid as to not realize that. If we couldn't move past the uneasiness within the first few minutes, I had a nagging feeling that it would be the end of our get-togethers. I swallowed hard in realization. Just then I was startled by the vibration of my phone. It was a bbm from Alice.

Stay calm. She will come, I promise.

Remember to let her lead.

It's going to be fine, Edward.

Trust Me.

How that girl always seemed to know just when you needed her, I had no idea. She was an angel of that I was sure. I took a deep, cleansing breath and typed back a quick reply thanking her. I sat my phone back down on the table and rolled my neck trying to release the pent up tension.

Just then, I felt a pull towards the door. As I glanced over I saw Bella stepping inside. She was dressed casually in a pair of black pants and an orange and black plaid top, her hair flowing down her back in loose curls. I was glad I had decided on casual also, wearing a pair of jeans, sneakers and a grey hoodie sweater. I stood up from the table to greet her, hoping my eyes would not convey my nervousness. A warm smile spread across her face as she spotted me and started towards the table. Immediately, my anxiety seemed to melt away. How Bella was always able to do that to me, I will never know. Our emotions seemed to be so intricately laced together, it amazed me.
When she reached the table I crossed to pull out her chair. Something about her was different. I gave her a questioning look and asked “Why do you seem so much smaller?” It was a stupid question, I knew it as soon as it left my mouth.
She giggled and said simply “Ballet flats” as she lifted her foot up. “I think I've only been in heels since we've seen each other here in Chicago. Without my heels I'm almost as short as Alice.”
I looked at her inquisitively trying to decide, then shrugged and responded “Maybe. You might be right about that,” as I gestured for her to sit down and then carefully slid her in towards the table. Why such idiotic conversation was occurring I had no idea. I hadn't wanted this to be awkward, but of course I was failing miserably. Why hadn't I just let her lead the conversation as Alice had suggested?
I sat back down in my chair and stared at the marble top of the table. Bella seemed to sense my sudden unease. She laughed suddenly and my eyes flew to her face. “Why don't we try and start over Edward. This doesn't have to be so weird. Let's just hang out, have fun. You know?” she said with a shy smile on her face.
I felt the corners of my mouth turn upwards as I stared into those beautiful brown orbs. “You look very pretty tonight, Bella.” It had slipped from my mouth before I could stop it. God, why oh why could I not seem to find my filter when I was around her. I was going to send her running again.
She surprised me though, smiling wider. “Thanks,” she responded, blushing a beautiful shade of pink. Her eyes looked down towards the menu while her hand moved towards her hair, finding a strand and nervously twirling it around her index finger. “Have you ever been here before?” she asked quietly.
My eyes fell back towards my menu as well. “No. I haven't had much time to explore the city yet. Everything sounds delicious though. What would you recommend?”
“Hmm...” she said in the sweetest little voice, looking back up at me. “Well my favorite is the Nutella crepes.” Her eyes twinkled in excitement as she described the chocolate-hazelnut cream delight that she preferred with strawberries and bananas. “I may or may not have become slightly obsessed with Nutella after watching Giada use it in so many different recipes,” she said biting the side of her lower lip with a faux-embarrassment.
“Who's Giada?” I said furrowing my brows in confusion.
Bella's eyes widened in astonishment. “You don't know who Giada is? From the Food Network?” She paused waiting for some type of recognition. I shook my head no and she laughed. “Wow. I'm sorry. I figured all the guys knew who she was. She has this show called Everyday Italian and she's beautiful and constantly wearing low cut tops while she cooks. Emmett loves her.”
It was fascinating to sit and watch her talk and laugh so animatedly. I hung on her every word, facial expression, and hand gesture. It reminded me of all our good times together back in high school. God, how I longed for that again. I could spend the rest of my life right here at this table watching her, if she was always this happy. “So what looks good to you?” she said suddenly pulling me from my thoughts.
I tore my eyes away from her and forced them back towards the menu. 

“Hmm. Well I think I will try this chicken and fontina crepe, but I might need to steal a bite of yours, just to see what all the fuss is about, of course,” I responded teasingly. “I can't believe how many different types of tea and coffee they have on here. What do you recommend there?” Anything. I would say anything to hear her voice again.
She bit her lower lip into that sexy mouth of hers and flipped through the menu. “Mmmm,” she responded a few seconds later. “Well I know exactly what I want-the Black Forest Mocha, but for you...” she trailed off in thought lightly tapping her index finger on her lips. “For you, I think the Frosted Mint Mocha would be your favorite choice. I know you love Andes candies and it sounds similar to that.”
I read the description and had to agree it sounded good. I couldn't believe she remembered how much I liked those candies. This fact gave me hope, even if it was inconsequential. I waved our server over and ordered both plates and drinks for us. Then turned back towards Bella and smiled. “So, you mentioned exploring the city. What are the must-sees that every Chicago resident should know about?” I asked.
She rolled her eyes and laughed lightly. “Well, jeez, put a girl on the spot. Let's see. Obviously everyone should do the Sears Tower once in their life. Uh... I suppose Navy Pier and Grant and Millennium Parks have a lot to do and see,” she added. Bell's face suddenly brightened, “Oh, I know. Have you seen the Old Water Tower? It sort of reminds me of being in Europe. It's this old castle looking building that is wedged between all these modern skyscrapers. It's pretty cool.”
I tried to remember if Bella had always been so animated with her hand gestures while talking before, but was coming up blank. I was literally mesmerized by her. “Of course there's always the aquarium and the zoo. Those are good for when company is in town because, I mean, who doesn't like animals? Right?”
I chuckled quietly. “That's true I suppose. Maybe you could show me around sometime?” I watched as her expression seemed to freeze on her face. Things were going so well, I really didn't want it to go back towards awkward again, so I quickly added, “If you want. I mean I'm sure Jasper or Alice would be more than willing, so there is no pressure or anything.”
Bella cast her eyes downward and bit her lip into her mouth once more. I was starting to worry she might make herself bleed if she kept nibbling like that. Suddenly I heard her mumble, “No” and I tensed up. She looked up at me suddenly, surely seeing the hurt in my eyes. “Oh God, Edward. That's not what I meant,” she added quickly. Reaching across the table she placed her hand over mine and gave it a small squeeze. “I meant that you didn't have to ask Jasper to take you. I... it would be fun. You and me. We should do that,” she whispered nervously.
My head was spinning. Not only was Bella still touching me, electrocuting me with her energy and warmth, she was also sort of agreeing to a date with me. Inwardly, I was rejoicing like a sixteen year-old and had to refrain from doing a fist pump into the air in victory. The server came back to our table with our coffees and crepes interrupting my silent celebration and I was actually relieved, as he had probably saved me from making a complete ass out of myself. I flipped over the hand that was beneath Bella's and gave her's a small squeeze in return. Our hands fit together so perfectly. She smiled but then pulled her hand back so she could use it to eat. Though her action was completely reasonable, as I knew if she still had any of the Bella I once knew still in her, she would need two hands to cut up her food, (lest she would probably cut her finger off with just that butter knife) I was amazed at the feeling of loss I felt when her skin no longer made contact with mine. Yep, sign me up for rehab, I was definitely a Bella junkie.
We ate in silence for a minute or so, though I stole glances at her each time she placed the fork into her mouth. The way her tongue would slide along the bottom of the tines when she opened and then her lips puckered as she slid it back out, chewing slowly before I'd once again see her tongue peek back out to lick the rogue Nutella off her lips. “How's yours?” she inquired pulling me from my trance.
I looked down at my plate, realizing I had consumed about half of it, but didn't even remember tasting it. “It's good,” I responded with a smile, assuming it must not have been too bad as I had eaten this much already.
“I'll let you try some of mine if you let me try yours” she prodded holding up her Nutella-coated fork towards my mouth.
As if I could resist. I opened my mouth and she slid the fork inside depositing the creamy deliciousness. So damn sweet, so Bella. I resisted her pulling it back out as I wanted to savor every second of this Bella-coated utensil. She laughed thinking I was simply teasing her, god if she only knew, but I relented and let the fork slide from my mouth. “Mmmm... so good,” I moaned with what I hoped she wouldn't realize was a double entendre. “More, please?” I begged following her fork with my open mouth.
Bella giggled and slapped my arm lightly. “No way. Get your own. It's my turn now.” She closed her eyes opening her mouth in anticipation.
I couldn't help but to chuckle. “You look like a baby bird waiting for it's mom to bring back food,” I teased as I inserted my fork into her mouth.
Her eyes fluttered in appreciation as she sucked off the bite of crepe. I removed the fork watching her closely. Her lips turned upwards into a smile and she murmured, “I love the saltiness of the cheese as it melts into my mouth. Mmm.” Her eyes flashed open taking in my staring. “What?” she said with a smile. I simply shook my head and smiled before quickly stabbing at another piece of food on her plate and putting it into my mouth. Her eyes widened and she gasped. “Edward, no fair.”
I continued chewing the smile never leaving my face. I hadn't felt this light in years. This was the Bella that I knew. Fun and playful. Teasing and laughing. She brought out the best in me in every sense of the word. My god, how I loved her still. I could just picture us here years from now married and still acting like love-sick teenagers. It was like she was made just for me. I had a sudden urge to kiss that shocked look right off her face.
My smile faltered however, when I realized that though this was going incredibly well, it was most definitely not a good idea to push my luck. I pushed the thoughts out of my head, knowing I had to trust Alice. I knew in my heart I would wait for her for as long as it took. I had to believe that she still loved me beneath all those layers of protection she had built around herself.
Bella must have noticed my slight change in demeanor because she was suddenly looking at me with trepidation. “I know I owe you a lot of explanations, Edward. I'm sorry. Please understand that I thought I was doing the right thing. I may have been wrong. I... hmm, we've just, we've already lost so much time...”
“Don't Bella,” I interrupted. “I was thinking about what you said in your office yesterday, about not talking about the past yet. You were right. We've both made a lot of mistakes, but I forgive you and I hope you can one day forgive me. Let's just start fresh right now and see where this goes. Eventually, I think it will be easier to talk about all that other stuff. We were having fun and I think that's what we need from each other right now. We can go back to that heavy stuff another time. What do you say?”
Bella opened her mouth several times, looking almost pained as she debated whether or not to say whatever was on her mind. Eventually, she swallowed and looked down towards the table before nodding. For the life of me, I can't see where all of her overwhelming guilt seemed to come from. I reached across the table and rubbed her hand with my index finger. After a moment she sighed and lifted her hand twining her fingers with mine. “Ok,” she said simply. She smiled shyly before asking, “So we have a block of nine days coming up, all here in Chicago and almost all afternoon games, would you want to hang out a few times, maybe see some of those Chicago attraction sights?”
I had finally found my inner peace and my home here in Chicago, but mostly in the presence of this woman. This all too forgiving and broken woman, who was risking it all on a second chance at a relationship with me. That knowledge made me love her even more. But if I was being honest with myself, it also scared the living shit out of me. There could be no more mistakes, neither of us were strong enough to take another fall. Going mercifully slow would be the only logical way. If we wanted this to work, there was no way we could just jump back in feet first without looking. We tried that, and it didn't really work. This time we needed to dangle our feet in the water and adjust to the temperature before wading into the current. I was adamant that this time it be forever. That this time, we both get our well-deserved happy ending and this included us, together.
“I'd love to. Thank you, Bella,” I said bringing our entwined hands up to my mouth and kissing hers gently.