Chapter 9: Realizations and Breakthroughs
Song Selections:
“Gravity” by Sara Bareilles
“I Hate Myself for Losing You” by Kelly Clarkson
“What I've Done” by Linkin Park
“Fix You” by Coldplay
"I Can See Clearly Now" by Jimmy Cliff
** Bella’s POV **
Don’t let me go, Edward. Please, don’t ever let me go. Wait a minute, what the fuck did I just do? What the hell just happened? Did I just kiss Edward? Did I just slap him? Damn it, I meant to slap Mike. Shit, shit, shit!
Time stood still, the earth stopped moving, and the sounds of the club vanished. At that moment, the only thing I could feel was Edward. The way his large hands softly cupped my face, the way my hands felt on his chest, how silky his hair felt in between my fingers, and the way I was powerless to his touch. Just as if no time had passed at all, when our lips met, I felt alive, happy, loved, content….home. I knew I should have ended it, ran away from him, but I couldn’t stop the strong gravitational pull we had towards each other. I just needed to feel him so desperately, needed to feel that he was real. I needed to feel if he still loved me as much as I loved him. I simply needed him, my Edward.
But as soon as I started pouring everything I had into our kiss, I immediately felt it all slipping away. I was being pulled from the one place that I wanted to be, the one place that felt right. I was drunk and confused, thanks to the highly talented bartender boy with a yummy Australian accent, and had no idea why I was being pulled from Edward. A million questions starting running through my head. Was he backing away from me? He was the one who initiated the kiss. Was Rose pulling me away? I highly doubt that. Was Emmett freaking out? I suspect he wasn’t even paying fucking attention. Was it Alice? Hell no, as that little pixie would already be planning our wedding. I knew I wasn’t backing away, so then who?
And then it hit me like a Mac truck… Mike fucking Newton. That cock-blocking asshat must have taken it upon his nosy ass self to step in between myself and Edward. I mean, I can’t really blame him because I was, unfortunately, the idiot who thought it would be a genius idea to play a little round of “let’s drunk-text Mikey” and have him come out and meet us. In hindsight, this wasn’t the smartest of moves, but I was drunk and confused from seeing Edward, so I started texting without thinking. Clearly, this was the stupidest decision I’ve made all day.
Fuck my life! Oh wait; I am the master and commander of this ship. Great! If I could, I’d throw my own ass overboard.
Mike had positioned himself almost directly between Edward and I after he pulled us apart. I'm not even sure how the slap had hit Edward instead of Mike, but it somehow must have. Note to self: Do not try and slap someone while coming out of a kiss-induced lust haze. “God damn it, Mike! What the hell are you doing?” I angrily snapped.
“What the hell am I doing? What the hell are you doing, Bella?” he replied sharply. “I was simply doing you a favor and getting Masen here off you. You don't even know him. He's such a cocky bastard that he thinks he can just have any girl he wants. I'll be damned if I let you be one of his conquests. He needs to learn his lesson.”
For some reason, the tone of his voice was pissing me off even more. I wasn’t his girlfriend and furthermore, we’ve never done anything even remotely resembling a relationship in all the years I have known him, so why he felt the need to be my knight in shining armor is beyond me. There was only one person who could fill this role and he was the one I was pulled away from.
Bella, really? Are you going to yell at Mike? You, drunk ass, are the one who got the bright idea to text him to come down here in the first place. This is entirely your fault. Good work, kiddo!
Still fuming over the entire situation, I quickly shook my head from side to side and sharply replied “Well, thanks for that Mike, but I don’t need you to be my damn hero.”
Never one to take a hint, I vaguely heard Mike running his mouth about something, but for the life of me, I had no idea what he was saying and I honestly didn’t care. I immediately looked over his shoulder and found Edward standing there witnessing our entire exchange. It was at that moment his face broke my heart. He looked so sad and confused and lost. Every emotion I was feeling was mirrored in his expression. Seeing his hand still on his face from where I slapped him left me utterly speechless. A wave of panic slipped over me so deep that I had no idea if I would ever be able to fix this. The slap was meant for Mike, never Edward but he didn’t know this. How was I ever going to take this back? How was I ever going to stop being such a bitch when it came to Edward? How was I ever going to let him all the way back in? Would he even want me back after all that I’ve done?
I had to talk to him. I had to begin repairing all that was broken between us. I had to step up and take the reins because I was the one afraid, not Edward. I couldn’t continue this little dance we were doing for the next ten years. I was unhappy and so was Edward, I could see it in his eyes and was sure he could see the same in mine.
As if in a trance, I slowly moved around Mike’s shoulder so I was face to face with Edward. Taking a deep breath, I knew I needed to explain but really didn’t know how.
“Edward,” I said in a voice barely above a whisper “I am so sorry. Please believe me. That slap was meant for Mike, never for you.”
And it was after those words that his hand slid slowly off his face, his arms stretched out to find me once again. Just like before, whatever magnetic pull that there was between us, it began drawing me into his arms without a second thought. In my head, I knew I shouldn’t have followed, should have stood my ground, but it appeared as if my conscious was nonexistent tonight. For once, I was letting my heart be my guide and it felt amazing. But just as I was about to mold myself back into his embrace, my head had a moment of clarity and stopped me dead in my tracks. Instead of running towards him, I began to backup because as indescribable as it felt being with Edward, there was still that nagging feeling of fright ever present under the surface. I was afraid to open my heart to him again, terrified with the thought of having to explain to him all of the mistakes I had made, and scared shitless what would happen if this didn’t work out. Losing Edward once was bad enough, but twice… I would never recover.
“Bella, come here baby. Please don’t walk away. Please,” was his soft plea as I stood motionless.
Feeling my eyes well up with tears, I quietly stated, “I can’t do this right now, Edward. I can’t. It’s simply too much.”
I had to get away; I needed to find solace in the comfort of my home. Did I need to be with Edward? God yes, but I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t know if I could deal with all of the secrets I’ve been concealing from him for so long. I barely wanted to admit them to myself, so laying them all out on the table to Edward was something I couldn’t do yet.
Just as I began walking away, I felt a strong grip on my arm turning me around and was immediately met with those startling green eyes, but there was something different about the way they looked. Something was off. They continued to lack their usual sparkle. They were desperate and I could see that he was begging me not to go, not to do this to him or us.
“Please, Bella I am begging you. Don’t walk away from me again. Don’t walk away from us.”
As much as I wanted to stay with him, I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready and it wouldn’t be fair to him. He deserved the truth and I knew there was no way I was prepared to give that to him. What he said today in my office suddenly struck a nerve. I guess he had been right; I was playing God with our lives, and unfortunately I would be playing him a little while longer until I could figure all this out.
Looking up at him through my tear filled eyes, I quietly begged “Edward, please let me go. I can’t do this right now, please. I don’t deserve you.”
Slowly his hand slid down my arm and I felt him reluctantly let me go. Turning around again, I started to walk away. I wanted so desperately to look back at him one last time, but I couldn’t. If I did, there was no way on this earth that I would have had the strength to leave him again. Was walking away selfish? Without a doubt yes, but what he needed from me, I wasn’t ready to give him.
Knowing that I needed to get out of here and fast, I began searching the crowd for Rose. Luckily, I didn’t have to look long, as I found her standing with Emmett at the table with Alice and Jasper.
“Shit! I can’t deal with Alice right now. What the hell am I going to do?” I silently asked myself.
Thinking quickly, I got my BlackBerry out of my purse and figured that a text would be the easiest way to get her attention.
Please Rose! Kissed Edward!
Need to leave NOW! ~B
After hitting the “send” key, I quickly began making my way towards the exit. Before I was able to make it through the crowd, my phone vibrated in my hand.
Holy fuck, Bella! Meet me at the exit.
Coming now, B. Keep it together! ~R
After receiving her return text, I managed to push through the crowd and made it outside of the exit on the seventh floor. I pushed the elevator button frantically needing to breathe in some cold, fresh air. I don’t really remember how I managed to make it out of the building, because my entire world began to blur. Standing alone in the cold night air, I saw flickers of images from the past few minutes flash before my eyes quickly, almost as if I were in a dream. I tried to inhale deeply, desperately needing the feel of the cool air to settle my nerves. However when I tried, I found that I couldn't breathe. That all too familiar feeling came back to me, my chest was so tight, constricting like. Panic started to overcome me. I found myself gasping trying to take in as much air as possible, but it wasn't helping. My mind was screaming for me to find help or I was going to die. I opened my mouth but couldn't seem to speak. More gasping ensued. I was getting so lightheaded and dizzy, and I was afraid I was going to fall over or faint. Just as I felt my head spinning out of control, I was pulled into a bone crushing hug. At first I tensed up, thinking that Edward had come after me, but quickly realized this wasn’t the case.
“Holy shit, Bella!” Emmett’s voice was laced with concern as he took a step away from me and stared into my face. “Look at me Bells. You’re going to be alright, do you hear me? I need you to breathe in slowly through your nose. Slowly, Bella. Then exhale through your mouth. Got it?”
I knew I should say something, anything, but words were escaping me at the moment. When he asked me his question, all I could muster was to slowly nod my head. I tried to concentrate on his voice and on following his orders. Emmett kept breathing along with me, coaching me and setting a slower pace. This seemed to be helping. The spinning in my head seemed to settle a little as the oxygen returned.
“Let’s get you home, honey. Don’t worry, B. I’m here for you, as long as you need me I’m here,” Rose whispered quietly into my ear.
From there, the ride back to my condo was hazy at best. I vaguely remember Emmett calling a cab and placing me inside. I remember leaning my head onto the cool glass of the cab’s window and the city lights simply looking like streaks of color flying by in the sky. I felt Rose softly rubbing my back telling me to breath and that it would all be ok, but to tell you the truth, I didn’t know how anything would ever be okay again. I kissed Edward and when he begged me to stay; I told him that I didn’t deserve him and walked away… again.
God, I’d made such a fucking mess of my life that I didn’t know even where to begin to repair it. The only thing that I did know is that I needed to be alone. I needed to have the peace and quiet to figure this entire mess out. I needed to focus and get my thoughts in order because I knew that running away was no longer an option. I had wasted too much time ignoring my past but now, just like everyone warned me about; it was catching up with me. No, scratch that it already did catch up to me.
So, B, what are you going to do? Are you going to curl up into a ball and hide or are you going to confront your demons head on?
“Hey B,” Emmett’s soft voice broke into my thoughts “we’re home. Let’s get you upstairs. Do you need me to help you out?”
Giving him a weak smile, I shook my head and whispered “No thanks.”
With all the strength I could muster, I pushed open the door of the cab, put one foot in front of the other, and forced my feet to meet the hard concrete of the ground. The night was frigid and windy and logically that meant I should have been cold, but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel anything. I was numb, both on the outside and inside.
Both Rose and Em followed me up to my condo. Emmett took his spare key and opened my door, shivering as the cool air hit him. He went immediately to the thermostat to adjust the temperature. I tossed my coat over the arm of the couch and plopped myself down into the corner.
“It's too damn late in the spring for this kind of weather. It feels like the dead of winter outside,” Emmett announced as he walked back towards Rose and I.
Rose tried to busy herself my taking my coat and putting it away. Truthfully, I wished they would just leave, but I knew Rose would never go home until she knew I was okay. “What happened back their Bells, outside the club?” Rose asked quietly as she sat down tentatively beside me.
Damn panic attacks. I hadn't had a full blown one in years. Alice was the only one of my little group who was even aware of them happening in the past. Since I had been relatively attack free for years, I decided not to tell Em and Rose as it hadn't really seemed all that important.
“Panic attack,” I answered matter-of-factly. “Would you guys mind if I just headed to bed? The attacks take a lot out of me.”
Rose looked at me with a confused look on her face. I knew that it hurt her that I seemed to be pushing her away, but there was just so much I needed to sort through, and I couldn't do that with her hovering over me.
“Don't you take anything for those, Bella? A Valium or an Ativan or something? Maybe you should take something that will let you take the edge off and get some sleep,” Rose probed.
I exhaled loudly realizing that my Xanax would probably do just that. I wanted to sort out all of these emotions in my brain, but I'd probably do better if I had good night's sleep and wasn't still a little bit drunk. “There’s some Xanax in my bathroom vanity. I think a half a pill would be best, since I've been drinking,” I relented.
Rose popped back off the couch scurrying to the kitchen for a glass of water and then towards my bathroom. Emmett continued to lean against the barstool at my kitchen counter. I knew he wanted to say something, but couldn't find the best way to ask me. Finally he sighed and pushed himself off the stool and headed over towards me. “Did you want to talk about anything, B? We're here for you, you know that, right? You can talk to us about anything, even if you think we won't understand. Even Edward,” he added with a small smile on his lips.
Just then Rose came back in and I took the tablet and swallowed it with a long gulp of water. “Thanks Em, but I'm not really in the mood to talk right now, but soon, honestly” I said, meaning it. “Right now all I want to do is curl up in my nice, warm, comfortable bed and go to sleep.”
Rose quickly added that she was willing to stay the night with me, but I turned her down. I really didn't want them here when I woke up. I knew I was going to want to do something I hadn't done in years and I wasn't ready for anyone else to see it. I could see the worry in Rose's face though and so I gave in and told her they could stay until I fell asleep. This seemed to appease both of them so I headed to my room to get changed and crawl into bed. Rose lay down in bed with me, gently rubbing my back. The soothing sensations helped to relax me and I was able to slip into a deep sleep rather quickly.
I awoke suddenly hours later, jolting upright in bed. I was dripping in sweat, my heart was racing and I was panting hard. I peered around the room and realized Em and Rose must have finally left. Glancing at the clock I saw it was a little after four o'clock am. My Xanax had probably worn off by now and my subconscious had allowed all of my worries and insecurities to creep right into my dreams.
I was back in high school at La Push beach and it was the night of the graduation party. Once again, I saw Edward and Lauren together. At first, the vision overwhelmed me much like it did originally, but then something about the way Lauren smugly smirked at me, made me angry rather than afraid. Instead of running away this time, I marched my ass right on up to her demanding to know what was going on. She stammered out some sort of reply as I whipped the blanket off both of them. Edward was still dressed, jeans and belt still in place. I tried to demand an answer from him but he just laid there with his eyes closed. I bent down to give him a piece of my mind, when I realized he was completely passed out and reeking of alcohol.
My eyes shot to Lauren, glaring at her murderously. “What did you do?” I demanded of her. She shook her head nervously side to side. “Did you really think you could try to make me believe he'd ever cheat on me? And with you, of all people? Please Lauren, you're pathetic.”
Obviously insulted, Lauren tried to redeem herself in front of the crowd that had gathered around us. She tilted her head, plastered on an innocent smile and feigned a roll of her eyes. “Whatever, Bella. I was just trying to play with you. You're really no fun. I have no idea what Edward sees in you anyway.” She turned sharply on her heels and stalked off back towards the bonfire.
Collapsing on the ground, I sat staring at Edward. He looked so perfect, so innocent. I hesitantly reached to smooth out his rumpled hair and he moaned leaning in towards my touch. “Bella,” he whispered, sighing contentedly as he curled himself around my form. He lifted his arm and tried to wrap it over my hips, pulling me closer towards him. That's when I heard it, the words I knew we both felt, but had never spoken. “I love you,” rolled from his perfect lips.
That's when I woke up. Somewhere deep down I've always known he'd loved me and I didn't know why I'd ever really had a doubt. Why had I let my insecurities take over that night? Why hadn't I gone over to Lauren and Edward demanding to know what was going on? Something about the way Edward had said in the office today that he couldn't remember anything about that night had been bothering me all day. Maybe he hadn't slept with her after all. Lauren had always been manipulative bitch, so maybe she just set the whole thing up. Of course, I had played right into her game. I had been too self-conscious to think I was worth anything, never wanting to believe that Edward could be satisfied with me, and of course those pregnancy hormones probably didn't help the situation. I walked away from everything that was important to me without even questioning him, or her for that matter. Maybe he slept with her, but maybe he didn't. I would never know the answer to that now. Fuck. The doubt had been planted in my brain and I would be stuck having to question this every day. Then it dawned on me, had I ruined my own life?
Every decision I had made throughout the past ten years hit me like a tons of bricks and gave me a brief moment of clarity. Everything was my fault. The devastated and lost look in Edward’s eyes in my office and tonight... my fault. The complete sense of loss and heartbreak for us both... my fault. The inability to open up and forgive our mistakes... my fault. The time I spent pushing us farther and farther apart... my fault. It was entirely my fault. It was here that I realized the thing I had been running away from wasn’t Edward or his love, but rather myself. After everything that I had done, I didn’t feel worthy of him and because of this, I found it simply easier to blame him than myself.
Cue internal freak-out! Everything was crashing down on top of me now in gigantic waves. My head started spinning again. Shit, I really didn't want to have another panic attack, but something about this feeling was different. I didn't want to stop it. It was deserved. I had fucked up my own life, and I deserved this mental anguish. I almost welcomed it because if I was allowing it to happen, I was finally admitting my fault in everything. Instead of numb or indifferent, I was feeling the pain, anxiety, loss, guilt, and love. Normally, I would have run away from such feelings, but now I didn’t want to. It was right then that I realized I needed to deal with the past head on, instead of letting it control my present.
I had let Edward, the love of my life, go without a fight. There was no dramatic breakup scene, no arguing, no crying, no begging--all things that should have been present. I ran away, child in womb, lying to myself and to him. And my mother, bless her soul, tried to talk me into doing the right thing, pleading me to reconsider. I would break him she said. He would never forgive me if I made this decision without him. Was she right? Would he ever be able to forgive me? At the time, it hadn't mattered; I figured I would never see him again anyway. But now that he was back in my life, did I have a choice? He had a right to know. He had every right to know that there was a piece of him and me walking, breathing, laughing, and living only fifteen miles from where he'd lived the past five years. What kind of a monster was I?
My hands threaded through my hair. “What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?” I chanted over and over into the cold emptiness of my room. And then the sobbing started. At first it was more of a whimper and then a choke, and finally the tears began raining down my face. My body shook uncontrollably as I tried to rock myself. I cried for all our mistakes, for all our lost time, for all our obvious buried feelings. I finally cried the way I should have years ago.
My shoulders trembled with the force of the throbs, but yet the weight on them started to ease. I was cleansing myself of all my heartache, my indecision, my doubts, my insecurities. This was my chance to let go of the past, once and for all. To go back to the beginning and see where it had all gone wrong so maybe, just maybe, we could begin healing together. I could make different decisions, learn to forgive and not judge, and most importantly, learn how to let someone in again, learn to love. Maybe that was my problem so many years ago. I simply didn’t know how to love Edward because I never felt myself worthy of his love.
Determined, I threw my covers off and wiped my tears away with the back of my hand. I padded over the cold hardwood floors, wincing as I went to my closet. I found the light and moved towards the back of the small, overcrowded room. Sitting on my hands and knees, I began to dig through the numerous boxes of shoes covering the floor, until I found the one I was looking for. I held the extremely large and worn, knee-high boot box in my hands and stared at it, running my hands over it lovingly. It was the biggest shoe box I owned and therefore was perfect for the contents it housed. I had never shared the contents of this box with anyone, as it was for me and my eyes only. Even Jake never knew it existed, as he would have been heartbroken if he had ever found it.
Jake for all I loved him, husband or not, would never be more to me than a best friend, a soul mate. He was trustworthy and funny, lighthearted and kind. He was my light, but he could never truly brighten the darkness of what I had lost. Jake was a vacation, a welcome distraction, but he was never my home. He could never be my Edward.
He was my home in every sense of the word. Edward was the one who I needed to come home to at night, he was the one I wanted to wake up with every morning, and he was the one I wanted to have a family with. It was him; it was always him. He was always the one. He was my everything.
It’s not as if this was some amazingly new revelation, because that was far from the truth. My heart had been trying to find my way back to him for the past ten years. While my head kept running, my heart was always searching for Edward. The problem was I never allowed my heart to guide me. If I had, I would be blissfully happy with the man of my dreams instead of the broken, sad girl I am right now. I was always too stubborn to face him and the mistakes we both made, which is why I chose to run. Obviously, the past catches up with you because today’s meeting in my office was a painful reminder of everything I had spent the past years running from... the love, the hurt, and the broken trust. Hurt goes away, love can be found again, but once trust is broken, I don’t know if it can ever be rebuilt.
I swallowed heavily, falling back more comfortably onto my butt, and slowly lifted the lid off the box. I exhaled loudly, as I peered inside where there were thousands of newspaper clippings, magazine articles, pictures and mementos of our past. Christ, I looked like a stalker. I fingered the dried, light blue flower corsage that he had given me for prom, then picked it up delicately and gently laid it off to the side. So many memories, both good and bad in this box, it was almost like a time machine. I’d kept every newspaper article and magazine print that featured him over the past ten years. Articles I had written for the high school paper, the local Forks Forum write-ups, internet print-outs of his USC days, write-ups in the Phoenix Post, his People Magazine 100 Most Beautiful mention and his numerous pictures over the years of the Most Eligible Bachelors edition, and of course, the most recent ones from the Chicago Tribune all lay sorted by date in this box. I was truly obsessed and pathetic.
Mixed in with all of these articles were pictures. Some were taken of us together in high school, both of us were smiling brightly and the love between us was so obvious. Viewing these photos broke my heart even more. How was I not ever able to see it?
Bella, because you didn’t want to see it. Is it so hard to believe that love snuck up on you and it was the kind that lasts forever? Honey, when are you going to finally believe this?
There were many of Edward playing ball on the Forks high field, some were action photos and some were just him in his uniform. I even had some of him playing professionally. I had taken a couple myself when I had gone to game down in Arizona years ago. Others were ones that I had bought over the internet from the Diamondback's webpage. I even had a few that were autographed by him. Of all the professional photos, those meant the most to me, as I knew that these pictures had once been touched by his hands.
There were a few mementos tucked deep into the box as well. The corsage was just one, but there were also small gifts and cards that Edward had given me in our short time together. I kept them under all the other stuff as it was just too painful to see some of those things again. I never could bring myself to read some of the beautiful words he had written to me in both the cards and letters. I wanted to, but I had always been too afraid to breakdown. I selected one at random today, knowing I needed this to heal. I slowly unfolded the beautiful parchment paper, chuckling to myself as I realized that he had probably stolen it from his mother's desk before he had written it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, preparing myself for what was to come.
Written in his own stunning script I read the note aloud, forcing myself to really hear the words and to remember Edward.
For my Beautiful Girl,
So, I'm lying here in bed recounting everything we discussed tonight. I hate when we aren't talking, Baby. I can't sleep, if I don't hear your loving voice before I go to bed. My mind has been in overdrive, wandering all night and thinking of you. Thinking of everything I should have said to you. I'm so sorry about our little fight this evening. Sometimes I don't know what comes over me. I know I get irrational and jealous; I wish I could stop it, I really do. I've never had these types of emotions before. Everything I experience with you is so new and wonderful and quite honestly, overwhelming. I'm not so great with expressing my feelings to you and I know how important that is to our relationship, so I want to work on that for you. This will be my start. What I can't say to you in voice, I will try to write in words.
It's not easy for me to explain the importance you have had on my life. Perhaps you will think I am crazy, that it is all too much too soon, but you have a right to know how strongly I am affected by you. You brighten each day. You are my sun, my stars, and my moon. This probably doesn't make much sense, but I will try to explain it. Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars---points of light and reason ... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty.
When I am with you, my world seems lighter, brighter, more beautiful. I never want that feeling to end. Sometimes, I try to hold onto you too tightly. I'm sorry. I know it isn't your job to save me from myself, but you have. You've changed me in irrevocable ways. I adore you in more ways than you can even imagine. I thank my lucky stars every night that you came into my life. I know this isn't enough, but I hope it's a start.
Yours Always,
Edward
Tears streamed down my face as I finished the letter, folding it just right and slipping it back into the box. His beautiful words should have been enough. Why couldn't I trust them? I wanted to more than anything, but something always made me question why he would ever say those things to me. How could he feel so strongly? This is what I felt about him. I couldn't get rid of that voice telling me that he was mocking me, only saying the things he knew I wanted to hear. I don't know why I have this fear of abandonment and love or why I think I'm so undeserving, but it is there and severely deep rooted.
I fingered all of the notes forlornly, as I made my way to the bottom of the box. This is where I kept the most painful reminder of our love. My heart ached so severely just knowing what was at the bottom. The one gift, he had never known he gave me. The gift so precious and beautiful, that I had a hard time even looking at her.
Mackenzie Marie Masen was born on Wednesday, January 20th, 1999 at 8:04am. She was a healthy six pounds, eleven ounces and twenty-one inches long. Her hair was the same bronze shade of her father's and her eyes were a rich, chocolate brown like my own. She was perfect.
I lifted her birth certificate out of the box, running my finger over her name. I remembered holding her for the first time and how it broke my fragile heart in ways I can't even describe. She was everything we had always wanted, but everything we could never achieve. I knew immediately that I couldn't keep her. Hell, I could barely look at her. I needed him more that day then I'd ever needed him in my life, but he wasn’t there. This was my fault entirely, which is why it hurt so much more. Instead of trusting him and our love, I chose to think the worst.
“Mackenzie, I hope you are able to love with all of your heart and know that you are worthy of this every day of your life,” I quietly prayed. “Please, please never be afraid to let people in.”
Both mine and Edward's names were listed on the birth certificate. Mackenzie had been purposely named with a piece of each of us. Marie was my middle name and now hers, and Masen was the only last name that seemed appropriate. He was her father and I never wanted to deny that. I knew her adoptive parents would most likely change her name, but I would always have this piece of paper to remind me of who she really was. Even if she wasn’t physically with us, she would at least be with me in this small way. She would have a piece of me and Edward, and would always be ours, even if she never knew this.
I had known that I was too young to do this on my own. I had plenty of support that was willing to help me, but I didn't want to do it without him. I was too stubborn at the time to finally give in and call him. I wouldn't be able to stand the rejection if he blew me off, blew her off. Back then, I truly believed he had already rejected me, the night I saw him together with Lauren. I thought if he knew about Mackenzie, he would be angry. Why would he want or love anything that had been a product of what we had done together? And even if he did decide to be a part of our lives, I couldn't stand knowing he was only doing it out of obligation.
My mother and Phil were adamant about raising Mackenzie themselves. I knew Phil had always wanted another child of his own. He would have been an amazing father, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't live a lie, acting like my “sister” wasn't really my daughter. The whole scenario had just sort of made me feel sick inside. I knew one day she would find out, and she would be devastated. How could she ever forgive me for not being strong enough to tell her the truth and raise her myself? This wasn't an option I could live with. I knew this broke both my mother's and Phil's hearts, but this was ultimately my decision and they understood that.
Looking back, perhaps this decision had been made too hastily, but I had to believe it was the best decision I could have made for our daughter. She deserved a perfect life because she was perfect. She was deserving of a life with two responsible, loving parents who adored her and could give her the world. As much as I may have wanted to, I couldn't give her that dream. A private, closed-adoption was finalized for Mackenzie three days after her birth. My mother had known of a couple she worked with that had been trying for some time to adopt. Unfortunately, they had gone through a few letdowns with agencies they had enrolled in. Peter and Charlotte were a wonderful couple and I knew they would love my child just as much as I would have. I had to trust my instincts here and I knew the best way for me to love her was to let her go. Being a parent isn’t always simple. It’s about putting yourself behind the needs of your child and doing what is right, not easy. Was letting the one perfect thing in my universe go easy? Absolutely not. In all honesty, it was more painful than losing Edward, but it was, without a doubt, what was right for her. Though I had been selfish in running away, I was able to stop long enough and focus on what was right for Mackenzie and this, in the end, was the most selfless act I could ever carry out.
Tears silently slid down my face in a bittersweet symphony as I lifted the few photographs I had of our daughter.
Bella, do you realize that this is the first time you have ever called her “our” daughter?
The emotions were practically choking me, as I tried to hold it back. She was so little, so precious, so beautiful, so perfect, and so... us. The most perfect combination of Edward and I, molded into this little being. I forced a smile onto my face, lifting my index finger to my lips, before gently kissing it and touching the photo. I wiped the tears away with the heel of hand and then carefully slid the photos back into their resting place.
I was just about to put the top back on the box, when I heard the closet door creak behind me. Startled, I tensed up as my tear-streaked face whipped around towards the sound. Alice stood leaning on the door frame, coffees in hand, with tears glistening in her eyes. I should have probably been mad that she had just let herself into my home, but I was really too emotionally drained to make too much of it.
“You scared me, Ali. What are you doing here? What time is it?” I hoarsely asked as I tried to get myself together.
Alice bit her lower lip, allowing her tears to slowly run down her face. “She's so unbelievably beautiful, Bella. Why haven't you ever shown me any of those?” she asked completely ignoring my earlier questions.
I blinked to try and hold back the tears, but Alice and I had a kindred relationship; she always seemed to know what I needed. I didn't know why she was there in my closet at that moment, but I should have known she would be. She had never let me down. Always seeming to sense what was coming, like a sixth sense. I’m not gonna lie, it was both creepy and wonderful all at the same time, but that was just us. Ali set the coffees down on the floor and walked quickly towards me, dropping to her knees and embracing me in a hug. I must have needed her touch more than I knew, because the moment she embraced me, I hugged her fiercely back and began to cry again. We sat that way for an immeasurable amount of time, Alice rocking me in comfort while stroking my back and my hair while I was clinging to her for dear life.
When the tears had finally dried out I thanked her quietly and she kissed me on my temple. “I love you, B. I'm always here for you, anytime you need me. You are my family, my best friend, and I would do anything for you. I wish you felt like you could talk to me. I want to be here for you, like you have always been there for me. Please let me,” she beseeched.
I smiled at my tiny cousin, seeing the sincerity in her eyes and knew today was the day that I would finally let her in. For years, I had been trying to do this all on my own, but last night and this morning brought to the forefront that this tactic wasn't really working. I was beyond broken and needed help in working through the layers of mess I had created. If I ever wanted to move on with Edward or anyone else, I first needed to fix myself and this was as good a time as any to start healing. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy; Rome wasn’t built in a day you know, but rather through slow and patient steps. Patience... well that has never been my strong point to say the least. Peeling away the many layers was simply something that I needed to take one step at a time and I could feel as if this process was already beginning.
“I brought you cupcakes, your favorite,” Alice added trying to bribe me into talking to her.
I smiled up at her and chuckled lightly, as that little shit was pulling out the big guns. She knew I couldn’t resist cupcakes, as they were always my favorite. “Where in the world did you get cupcakes at this hour, Ali? What time is it anyway?” I asked trying to peer out into my room to see the bedside clock. It was only seven-thirty am.
“Okay, so don't laugh,” she said giving me a stern look. I nodded to assuage her. “So I couldn't sleep last night, after everything that happened at NV. First, let me say, that I hope you know I would never pick Edward over you. Had I known you were going out, I would have gladly accompanied you and Rose. I figured maybe you just wanted some time alone, since I hadn't heard from you after the game.”
I had to interrupt her. I really didn't want to dredge all this up. Truthfully, I had never been mad at her. I know Rose had been upset, but I knew Ali, and I would never ask her to choose between me and her boyfriend. Unfortunately, Edward and Jasper were sort of a packaged deal. On the flip-side though, Alice was able to get intimate details from Edward, and I knew she had both of our best intentions in mind. “Please don't apologize, Ali. I know and I completely understand. You are allowed to be friends with both of us. I'd never begrudge you that.”
She smiled meekly in appreciation and then continued. “I'm not sure you want to hear this, but Edward was sort of a mess after you left. Jazz and I brought him back to his place, but we decided to stay. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but apparently Edward has had some problems with depression. Jasper was afraid to leave him.” She looked deeply into my eyes, awaiting recognition. I nodded once, hoping she would continue.
I felt guilty knowing these intimate details about him, things he most likely would be too embarrassed for me to know. Especially, as I doubted Alice would be giving him the same type of detailed information about me. But I won't lie, I craved it. I so desperately wanted to be closer to him, to know him. Understanding that he was just as hurt and broken as me gave me some solace, however wrong it might be. I didn't want to see him in pain, but it was comforting knowing that we were both going through the same thing.
“Did you know Edward talks in his sleep?” Alice asked. I did, but I preferred to deny it, just in case she went back to Edward about any of this. Fortunately, she continued without waiting for my reply. “Well anyway, he does. He yells and whimpers, and Bella I have to be honest. It is heart-wrenching. I sat in his bed with him most of the night trying to comfort his nightmares. He really loves you, B. I know you two have so much to get past, but the love you both have, well it's obvious.”
“I know, Ali. I want to get there. I mean... I at least want to learn to be his friend again, if nothing else. What we have now isn't healthy for either of us. It's just... well; I need to work through some of my own problems first. I need to recognize my own issues, before I can really address the issues between Edward and me. You know?” I asked chewing on my lower lip nervously.
Alice got up off the floor, pulling me up with her. “I know. I want to fix both of you. But first, cupcakes,” she said smiling brightly. Alice practically skipped out towards the kitchen as I followed. She pushed a box towards me containing half a dozen of cupcakes from The Bent Fork Bakery.
“This bakery is in Highwood, isn't it?” I asked confused. Alice nodded happily, practically bouncing out of her seat. “That's like thirty minutes out of the city, Ali. What time did you get there?”
Her eyes sparkled in mischief and I wondered if I even wanted to know what she had done. “I got there at like a quarter to seven,” she began. My eyes narrowed in confusion, knowing there was no way the bakery was opened at that hour. “It was closed, but I saw one of the bakers inside. So I started pounding on the door.” Her smile brightened as I groaned and rolled my eyes. “So anyway, the owner comes to the door saying they don't open until nine, but I pleaded with her telling her it was an emergency and that her cupcakes were the only thing that would fix the situation. It took a little bit of begging, but eventually she relented and I got three freshly baked carrot cake cupcakes and three raspberry butter cream cupcakes.” She finished the story with a small fan girl squeal and I couldn't help but laugh. At times, this girl can be out of her fucking mind and I love that about her!
“You're too much Alice, I swear,” I said as I bit into the heavenly carrot cake flavored delight. They were without a doubt my favorite, and I did truly appreciate the effort she put in.
We ate in silence for a few minutes, while I savored my few moments of bliss. When I finished my cupcake, I wiped a few stray crumbs off my lips and settled in for a long discussion. I wanted to initiate the conversation, so she knew she wasn't forcing me into anything. Truthfully, I wanted this. I wanted more than anything to heal and to grow, both for myself and for Edward.
“I'll be right back,” I announced sliding off my stool and heading back into the bedroom. I gingerly picked up the box, cradling it in my arms as I brought it back out to the main rooms. I set it down on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch motioning for Alice to join me.
I spoke slowly, tentatively not sure how this would be received. “So I've never shown this to anyone before. Not just because it is so private and heartbreaking to me, but also because...well, it looks a little stalkerish. I don't want anyone thinking I'm crazy.”
Bella my sweet! You are a tad crazy, which is one of the reasons you have an “Edward Box” my love. No worries, though, as it is a tad sweet too.
Alice smiled reassuringly, and started to sort through the box, careful not to mess up the order I had it arranged in. She was quiet, not asking any questions. I watched her face closely as moments of surprise, sadness, pain, joy, and confusion flickered across her face. Tears escaped her eyes when she noticed some of the writings and cards and of course when she looked at all the pictures. When I saw her holding the picture of Mackenzie, a few tears escaped my eyes as well. “I'm sorry I never showed you any of those pictures, Alice. You were a great support system for me through the entire ordeal. I shouldn't have shut you out like I did afterwards,” I apologized.
Being the wonderful person that she was, Alice simply brushed it off. She looked at the photo once more before putting it back in its resting place. “So tell me, how do we fix all this, B? How do we fix you?” she added bluntly.
I chuckled darkly, but opened up and told her all about my fears, my indecisions, my guilt, and my self-doubts. We drank coffee and finished the cupcakes as we sat and talked for hours. Just admitting these secrets to someone, other than myself, made me feel better, stronger.
Alice left around noon so I could begin to get ready for work. We had decided on a plan, “Operation Fix Bella,” as she decided to call it and yes, she even used her fingers as quotation marks when saying the name. I’m telling you, this girl’s a mess from time to time. True to form, I had grumbled about the name, but this was Alice and once she made her mind up, there was no changing it. We concurred the baby steps would be necessary for me, trying to move too fast would only scare me back into my defensive mode. There was a multitude of things for me to sort through and she agreed that we could talk together daily to maneuver through the mess, which let’s face it is monumental. There were issues that could only be dealt with by talking to my mom and some that could only be handled by Edward, but at least there was now a plan in place.
It scared me to know that every time I broached a new subject, it would be like tearing open a jagged scar. All these wounds I had incurred over the years had healed so imperfectly, as I never took the time to inspect them and cleanse them properly, simply opting to haphazardly bandage them and hope for the best. These scars were not pretty and a skilled surgeon was probably going to be necessary to fix all the damage. Well, a surgeon or a damn good shrink.
Placing the box next to my bed was the first step. I could no longer hide from these feelings and memories, so it was not going back to the depths of my closet. Each day I was going to try and face a little of it at a time. Whether that meant reading a card or letter, examining a picture, or seriously considering the real reason I was keeping all of these newspaper clippings, something would be done every day. For now, I decided it was best to keep this between Alice and I as we both knew Rosalie would not be much help to me right now. While I loved her dearly, through my discussion with Ali, I realized how much she coddled me. Always telling me what I wanted to hear, not necessarily what I needed to hear. I knew there would be times that I inevitably would breakdown and reach out to Rose during this process, for self-preservation reasons, but I was going to try and trust both Ali and myself to get through this the right way, even if it was hard.
I jumped quickly into the shower letting the warm water relax me in ways I haven't felt in years. Though I was a long way from being healed, I already felt lighter and freer. I dressed simply in a pair of dark jeans, a light-weight emerald-green v-neck sweater, and my absolute favorite camel colored Burberry knee-length trench coat. When satisfied with my ensemble for the day, I grabbed my purse, keys to the Cayenne and headed towards the stadium. I wanted to get in a few hours of work and secretly hoped I might be able to speak with Edward alone. I had no idea what I was planning on telling him, but it felt right to speak to him again. I was nowhere near as on edge as I had been yesterday when we spoke, in fact quite the opposite actually. I felt ready to let him in, even if it were only a little at a time. Baby steps worked for Bill Murray in “What About Bob” and I was rather confident they would eventually work for me.
So, with this “Operation Fix Bella” plan freshly in my mind, I figured it was time to face the day and get this show on the road. Due to the fact that I am not patient by nature, I knew it was going to take a great deal of thinking about the entire situation for me to “stay the course” so to speak. While this wasn’t going to be easy, I also knew it was necessary in order for all of us to heal and move on with our lives.
I wonder if this overall sense of cluelessness was felt by Christopher Columbus when he was hoping to discover the New World.
While driving to the stadium, I was amazed at how different everything looked to me. Sure, the city was still crowded with people and traffic, but such images were no longer hazy instead looking clear for the first time in years. While running from the past, I never really opened my eyes to the present and sure as hell never gave in-depth thought to the future. Because of this, I was letting life pass me by in ways I never really thought about until now. It was odd, but at the moment of such a revelation, the sun began peeking out from the typical April cloud cover. Although not superstitious by any stretch of the imagination, it was almost as if this little change in nature was there to act as a sign and give me the confidence boost needed to face the day head on.
“Baby steps to the office, Bella. Baby steps to the office,” I continued chanting to myself as I pulled into the stadium parking garage and parked in my designated space.
After locking up the Cheyenne, I walked into the stadium and began the elevator ride up to my office. Although I was chanting “baby step” to myself the entire way, it was still scary as hell knowing that I was about to begin the daunting task of sorting out and working on everything that needed to be fixed for myself, Edward, and everyone else around us. I could make business deals and play with the big boys just as well as anyone in the league; truthfully such actions could be made in my sleep. I took the saying “It’s not personal, it’s business” entirely too far. Instead of dealing with the personal, I simply ignored it in favor of the business. My actions and decisions haven’t been easy on anyone in my life and for the first time, I was accepting the responsibility of this. I didn’t understand the magnitude of how much one person could impact those around them, but the past twenty-four hours have brought this realization into clear sight. In no way did I ever want to be the type of person how has everyone’s lives revolve around them, but by continuously running from the truth, this was exactly what had occurred.
Good, Bella, good. Admitting it is the first step, so now you can continue with your baby steps. Carry on!
As I watched the elevator doors open and I began the walk towards my office, I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled out as I knew it was now or never. Although there was a part of me that wanted to crawl back into the safety of my bed, there was another part of me that simply wanted to get this whole mess cleared up and start to truly live. No matter the outcome, I had to believe that Edward and I would be stronger, more whole from it, so we could carry on with the rest of our lives the way they were meant to be.
“Good afternoon, Bella. How are you doing today, sweetheart?” Tanya inquired in a loving fashion.
In that moment, I realized how immensely grateful for her I was. Not only was she ridiculously organized and a great personal secretary to myself, but she always seemed to know what I needed. Instead of hitting me with twenty questions about the conversation she heard yesterday between Edward and me, she simply chose to ignore it and act professionally as if today was business as usual. While some would not see the significance in such a simple act, to me it meant the world. Tanya was loyal, understanding, and nonjudgmental which are three qualities I desperately needed those around me to possess right now.
Feeling a slight smile spread across my face, I simply stated “Good afternoon to you as well. I'm doing well, thanks.”
And with that, I looked straight into her crystal-clear blue eyes and gave her a silent “thanks.” Even though I verbally uttered the word, this was not what my eyes were attempting to convey. I was thanking her for her understanding of the situation. I was thanking her for being able to look past my actions throughout the time she has known me. I was thanking her for caring about me as a person, not just as her boss. Most importantly, I was thanking her for all of the times that I should have and didn’t.
With a slight nod of her head, she then declared that my Thursday schedule was rather light in nature. Feeling an immediate relief, Tanya went onto explain that it only consisted of looking over and signing a few contracts with venders, as well as reviewing the attendance numbers and player stats from yesterday’s home opener. All of these actions were rather straight forward and would be a great way to get into the routine of “baby steps.”
After giving her a quick and heartfelt thank you, I quietly walked into my office, shut the large mahogany door, and walked over to my window. I wanted to see the city and feel its energy. I wanted to look down into the streets and really see, not look, but see what it was like when a person was part of the world not just simply existing in it. I needed to be this type of person and knew today was a baby step in this direction. So, with this resolve in mind, I quickly took off my coat and began getting to work. Tanya was right; the load she previously laid out on my desk took only a few hours to dissect. The contracts were standard and boiler-plate, thus requiring little examination at all and the attendance numbers from yesterday’s game were near our 41,118 maximum capacity figure. When combined with the overall stellar job the players and coaching staff demonstrated yesterday, I was one happy owner. Hopefully, this great start would carry the team throughout the rest of the season and we could finally bring the first World Series Championship, since 1908, back to the Windy City.
Feeling energized by yesterday’s opening numbers and the fact that it really was a beautiful spring day in Chicago; I decided that I needed to take a walk around the stadium. Grabbing my coat, I exited my office and rode the elevator down to the field. Once stepping a foot into the stadium, I felt an overall sense of peace. While I love the vigor it has when the stadium is filled with an enthusiastic crowd, I also love the simplistic beauty of the lush green field. The smell of the grass and the overall memories and feelings that surface from my childhood instantly bring a smile to face. It helps me to focus on the smaller things in life and brings me a sense of much needed balance. I am able to take a step back from the business aspect of the game and truly focus on the fact that it was just that, a game. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, but at the end of the day these weren’t the stats that mattered. What mattered was that each person on the field and in the crowd was simply there for the love of the game and the overall joy it brings. The simple stuff was what made life worth living.
By the time I came to this epiphany, which by the way I was having entirely too many today, I eventually found myself down on the field sitting behind home plate. To tell you the truth, I honestly didn’t remember wondering down there until my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the day’s batting practice. After shaking my head in attempts to enter back into reality, my eyes immediately searched the field for Edward. As with everything between us, it didn’t take long because if felt as if my eyes were magnetically drawn to him. God must have been smiling down on me at the moment with a chorus of angels singing, because my first sight of Edward wasn’t on his beautiful eyes, but rather his equally fine-looking backside.
Fuck me! That boy has an ass you could bounce quarters off of. It should be illegal for someone to look so damn yummy. Simmer down there Bella!
Knowing now was not the time to get all worked up about Edward’s perfect ass, which was actually much more difficult than it should be, I quickly stood up and decided that today was a good day to mingle with the boys on the field. Yes I call them boys because it doesn’t matter their age, they always act like boys. That aside, talking with them is something I commonly did throughout the year, so no one would really be fazed by it. Well, no one except Edward. Today was a day for baby steps and fixing what was broken between us, so I figured that having a brief chat would be a good first encounter for us to have. Hopefully there wouldn’t be all sorts of crazy weird tension between us after last night’s kiss. Would we be a little awkward around each other? That goes without saying, but I also hoped we would be able to put such insecurities aside and get to know one another again. Once upon a time, he was one of my best friends, and while I hate to admit it, I really have been lost without him.
Knowing that it was now or never, I began the walk onto the field by entering from the visitor’s dugout located on the first base line. Although I have made this walk more times than I can remember, today was different. Instead of walking onto the field as the owner who wanted to talk to her players, I was in search of the one person who had my heart. I was searching for the one person who was able to look into my eyes and read me like an open book or make my heart skip a beat by the sheer flash of his crooked smile. I was searching for the boy who wrote me those beautiful letters so many years ago, and who I now could see loved me beyond all definable reason. I was searching for my Edward.
After congratulating our manager, Lou and assistant manager, Ivan DeJesus once again on yesterday’s nicely played game, I turned my head nonchalantly, making eye contact with those piercing green eyes I so adored. With the butterfly effect full on in my stomach, I continued my meandering throughout the field, all the while feeling his intense gaze focused on my every move. While I wanted to walk directly up to Edward, I knew I needed to be a little more discreet in my actions, which meant talking to a few other players along the way. In an attempt of acting like the “normal” Bella the team knew, I stopped and chatted with our left fielder, Sam Fuld, about the amazing catch he made at the top of the second inning and our first baseman, Derrek Lee, about his double play throw to second base during fifth. Satisfied with my actions, I knew now was the time to talk with Edward. I mean, he was the newest player on the team and I wouldn’t be a good owner if I didn’t see how he was doing, right?
Reminding myself of my new motto “baby steps,” I slowly walked towards him. Although he had turned his body to the side and was talking with a few other players, I could still feel him watching me out of the corner of his eye. The closer I got to him, the more my heart rate increased and the faster the damn butterflies in my stomach began to flutter. It was amazing after all of these years how this man’s sheer presence could consume me so fully. I doubt if he knew it, but it took all the strength I could muster to not become putty in his large, strong hands. Last night, he melted me with his touch and I knew that if he were to repeat such an act on this field, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from melting into him once again.
Just as I was about to approach Edward, guess who miraculously appeared in my path. I’d give you one guess, but I don’t think it would be necessary because it was none other than the infamous Mike Newton. Go fucking figure that this would be the one person getting, yet again, in my path to Edward. Did he have like Bella radar or something?
Walking up to me with his usual cocky swagger, he smugly asked “How was your night last night, Bella?”
Once Mike’s words left his big mouth, I saw Edward’s body quickly spin away from the group he was talking to. What I saw were actions I remembered all too well. His body went rigid, his eyes changed to an almost black color, and fist were clinched to his sides. Yep, Edward was pissed. I guess some things never change, and I knew that I needed to defuse the situation before Edward stepped in.
Having years of experience with boys like Newton, I knew that the best way to wipe that shit eating grin off his face would be to act as clueless as possible about the question. Wanting to get away from him, I quickly looked around him and into Edward's eyes, giving my head a slight shake indicating that there wasn’t a problem. Looking back at Mike, I sweetly said “Why yes, I did Mike, thanks for asking.” I'm not sure what he was expecting, but he seemed a little off guard by my comment, so I added “I think it’s your turn up for batting practice.”
Mission completed. I sank Mike Newton’s battle ship!
Mike looked over to coach and saw he was indeed next up, so he started walking away towards home plate while I continued my walk towards Edward. Just as a new level of anxiousness began to overtake my body, I also felt a sense of coming home. As the distance between us began to close, I was overcome with the natural reaction to turn and run away. I did it ten years ago and I did it last night, but I knew that was no longer an option for me. Running away is what created this entire debacle in the first place and I’ll be damned if I let that fear run my life anymore. Still reminding myself of baby steps, I took my last step towards the only guy I had ever loved. We were face to face, staring into each other’s eyes, and it was so staggering how much of a pull we still had towards one another. This gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, we weren’t only meant to be in one another’s past, but also present and future. Just as I was about to open my mouth to speak, I saw his eyes quickly shift off of mine and to something behind me. Hating to be in the dark, I quickly turned my head around and was met by Mike Newton staring daggers at us. Remember what I said about all men being boys? Mike Newton was the perfect example of why this was so. I knew eventually he would need to be dealt with, but now was not that time. This moment was about Edward and me. About reconnecting with one another and repairing the damage between us.
Knowing that I needed to calm Edward down quickly, my body went into auto pilot. I raised my hand and lightly placed it onto his upper arm, which immediately got his attention. Once his eyes returned to mine, I knew the only way to get him to focus would be to reassure him that everything was fine.
“Edward,” I calmly and quietly affirmed “it’s fine, really. Mike just likes to run his mouth to get a rise out of people. Please, for me, ignore him.”
He sighed, not necessarily wanting to give in so easily, but I could see and feel his body begin to relax. Still staring into my eyes, he gave me a slow nod letting me know that he understood what I was saying. Once I could see that he had his thoughts together, I slowly removed my hand from his arm and placed it down at my side. With our eyes still locked, I began opening my mouth to initiate our conversation, but Edward beat me to the punch.
“Bella,” his velvety voice crooned, “Are you alright? With everything that happened last night, I need to know if you are alright.”
Once the words were spoken, I could clearly tell his heart was breaking and it, once again, was my doing. His voice had an air of pleading to it that broke my heart and his eyes looked as if they were searching for something, but were coming up short. Wanting to make this look go away, I knew I needed to say something and quickly, but I was coming up at a loss for what that should be. So, I decided to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and jump in with both feet. I knew what needed to be done... we needed to sit down and talk. Not talk like the disaster in my office yesterday, but actually talk to each other, listen to the one another, and get to know who the other person is now. I exhaled slowly, opening my eyes once again and looked directly into the face of the man who would always be my reason for living.
“Edward,” I tentatively began in a hushed voice, “I know yesterday’s meeting between us didn’t go very well. Please know, that I am sorrier for my actions than you can ever imagine. I can’t imagine what you are thinking at this moment or about me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know. So, I was wondering if you would like to meet tonight for coffee?”
No comments:
Post a Comment