Song Selections:
"Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails
"The Mess I Made" by Parachute
"Man approaches the unattainable truth through a succession of errors"-Aldous Huxley
**Bella POV**
I couldn't sleep. My brain was on a continuous loop like a scratched old record getting stuck at the same spot, never moving. I kept replaying the events of earlier tonight over and over. Damn fucking scratched record. I still wasn't able to make up my mind about what I wanted to do about Edward. There was no question that if we were going to even think about continuing this relationship, scenes like tonight could under no circumstances ever happen again. I was mortified and embarrassed beyond all reason. Marcus, the man who I now think should be recommended for sainthood, was nice enough not to bring up the debacle the rest of the night, thus allowing Emmett to stay in the dark. Emmett would have flipped the fuck out had he known everything that went down. I really didn't want to deal with him and I really didn't want to put Edward in the position of having to answer to him either. Looks like once again, I was doing all I could to protect Edward. Wonder how much he'll appreciate it this time? Since he obviously didn't when I tried to protect him from Phil's wrath from breaking his little girl's heart.
I had been lying in bed for over two hours tossing and turning when I decided that I honestly couldn't take it anymore. If I didn't find something to do with my time, I was going to go crazy. Knowing that this wasn't going to help the shit hole of a predicament I was experiencing, I reluctantly pulled myself into a sitting position on the side of the bed and began weighing my options. Talking to someone wasn't really an option at this time. The last thing I needed was to have Alice, Rose or god-forbid, my mother's voice in my head right now. Yeah, ET wasn't going to phone home this time around at all.
Whenever I was stressed there were only two things that seemed to help relax me, running or baking. Being that it was nearly midnight, I concluded that running was probably not the safest approach to take. Sure I could go up to the gym and run on the treadmill, but that always made me feel like a hamster stuck on that stupid-ass wheel. Running and running but never really getting anywhere, which would only serve to increase my level of anxiety even more. Knowing this was the absolute last thing my nervous self needed, it looked like all signs were pointing to baking.
Upon entering my kitchen, the first thing I did was to start digging through my pantry and refrigerator to determine what kind of raw ingredients I even had to work with. It was at this point I was counting my lucky stars that MTV wasn't doing some random Cribs tour of my refrigerator. Because of my schedule lately, I hadn't really had the chance to actually grocery shop. Despite the fact that I love cooking and baking, I absolutely loathe grocery shopping for some unknown reason. I have no idea if it's the multiple choices or the lines or the damn carts that always have a stuck wheel, but whatever the reason I never find it enjoyable. Um yeah, apparently I have issues with this and should look into seeking professional help immediately.
After my inventory and mini "I hate grocery shopping" meltdown, brownies seemed the most probable and delicious option at this time. I started by softening the butter for a few seconds in the microwave because I always found it better to work with after this little step. From here, I added the softened butter, sugar, vanilla and eggs into the stainless steel bowl attached to my Kitchen Aid mixer. God I loved that thing. It was red and shiny and always looked so damn pretty sitting on my counter. For some odd reason tonight I found the motor sound of the electric mixer the most soothing distraction I could ask for. Once these elements were smoothly blended together, I moved on to the smaller bowl where my dry ingredients were waiting for some attention. It was at that moment that I realized something seemed to be missing. I stuck my finger into the batter and tasted it, but couldn't quite figure out what would make the already yummy concoction better. In the words of Emeril Lagasse, the brownies needed something to "kick'em up a notch."
Heading back over to my pantry, I bit my lower lip in contemplation as I surveyed what else I could add to follow Emeril's advice. There were chocolate and peanut butter chips, along with several different candies and mini marshmallows. Honestly, my mind was already so jumbled after the events of the evening that I couldn't make a decision to save my life. I mean, how hard should it be to bake a simple batch of brownies anyway? In order to refrain from having a brownie baking breakdown, I closed my eyes and reached in blindly deciding whatever I pulled out would be the "missing" ingredient. Once my hand firmly grabbed a package, I slowly opened my eyes and immediately shook my head….Andes Mints, figures. Edward was now invading my cooking space too. I guess the saying "you can run but you can't hide" was truer than one would think. I considered putting them back and choosing something different, but as I looked back at the shelves all the other choices appeared bland and just wrong. As always, everything that I did recently seemed to lead me back to Edward.
I reluctantly headed back over to the counter and threw some mints into a freezer bag. The rolling pin helped me take out some frustration as I crushed them into smaller pieces. Oh how I wished I could be crushing Edward himself right now.
"Ugh!" I screamed out loud. "Why can't I fucking forget about him for just one night? Is that too much to ask?"
As upset and embarrassed as I was after what transpired over the evening, I also knew that I wasn't ready to walk away from what I thought we had until I at least gave him the opportunity to explain. I owed him that. I owed myself that and most importantly, I owed us that. Running wasn't really an option either in all honesty, as my problems never seemed to go away anyway, so it was sort of a moot point.
But not yet. I just couldn't sit and look at him right now. If I had to see the look of devastation on his face that was present when Jasper was pulling him out of the restaurant, I knew I would crack. And while I knew I would most likely give in anyway, I figured letting Edward sweat it out a little couldn't hurt.
The jealousy, which had always been uncalled for in my opinion, had once again reared its ugly head. The question in this case, was really what had spurred it on. Things had been going so well for us in the past month or so. Our relationship was progressing slowly, but it was kind of nice since we were just getting to know each other again. Edward had been trying so hard to prove himself to me and the effort was appreciated, especially when he was on the road. It gave me so much more confidence in the longevity of the relationship because each night that he was gone, it was me he came home to, so to speak. It was me he wanted to talk to, me he wanted to tell about his day….me. Not some nameless roadmeat. And despite everything that we had been through, this was always the dream I wanted to come true. It had been hard for me to push back some of my walls and begin to trust in him again, but I had been persevering in that department so far. I really thought we were on the same page, but apparently he did not have that same level of trust in me as I had in him.
Turning my thoughts back towards the task at hand, I finished crushing the mints and then mixed my dry and wet ingredients together, folding the mints in last. After setting the timer on the stove, I quickly coated my baking pan with some non-stick cooking spray, poured my batter into the glass baking dish, and slid it into the oven. What to do for the next thirty-five minutes? I tried flipping on the television but there wasn't anything on that was even remotely interesting, so I turned it back off only minutes later. I strolled over to my floor length windows and stared down towards the city that I loved. From the height of the condo I could see all the way over to the Pier. The lights danced brightly in the night sky and on the ground as they flickered off the sheen of the lake. Once again, my thoughts roamed back to Edward and our wonderful date there last month.
I wanted that feeling again. I wanted the tingles. The carefree, innocence of that night resonated strongly within my heart. It was a time of hope and promise. Fuck, I really wanted that back.Instead, however, I stood here almost numb, confusion floating restlessly in the air around me. Who was to blame for this mess?
I wanted to be able to put it all on Edward. Of course he was the easy target. He had been the one to lose his sense of self and act out in adolescent ways. However, Marcus' words haunted me. He said he could sense Edward was desperate and on edge. The question was why? What more could I have done to reassure him that I was falling for him again, just as he was me. Honestly, was he that blind? Here I was stripping away layer after layer of my armor to let him in. I knew it was going to be a process but he had forced his way in there. And for what at this point? Once again my self-doubt about this was rising. I had to protect myself first and foremost. I didn't want to run, but I also knew that it was possible that we might not be able to get past all our issues. They just weighed too heavily on each of us. Would it be worth bringing them all to light if we were just going to decide that going our own way was better?
The hum of the oven timer startled me out of my thoughts and I headed back to pull the brownies out of the oven. While they cooled I whipped up the frosting and then began cleaning up. While doing this, a vision of Edward when we were back in Forks, smirking and licking the batter from the bowl, came to memory. Even as confused about our relationship as I was, there was no denying how damn cute he always was. I shook my head to rid myself from this trip down memory lane.
Again, I briefly thought about calling Edward when I was frosting the brownies. It would be so much easier to get to the bottom of this mess now and try to ensure myself a decent night's sleep. But as I picked up the phone, I realized that we were both too emotional right now. So, tomorrow it shall be. Tomorrow would be a better time. We would both have clearer thoughts and could sit and discuss this like adults tying to figure out the best place to go from here. Maybe I could offer up the brownies as a peace offering to get things started. It would certainly make Edward more receptive to a long drawn out discussion. That man always was a fool for my baking.
So lost in my own reasoning I hadn't even realized that I started shaving off pieces of the Andes for a decorative top on the frosting. When I finally looked down at the finished product, I gasped. What the hell was I doing? The last thing Edward deserved right now was homemade brownies, especially ones that were his favorite flavor and looked like I spent hours slaving over them. For goodness sake, he should have been making me brownies and I didn't even really like brownies.
The man I saw tonight bared no resemblance to the one I had spent the last month with. He had scared the shit out of me between the frightening look in his eyes, the horrific words he spoke and the physical violence. I never wanted to see that person again. How could I know he wouldn't be showing that side of him on a regular basis?
I stared down at the brownies in disgust and seriously considered just throwing the whole tray into the garbage. But, as the tray hovered over the trash can, I realized that was not the answer. He may not have deserved the brownies, but throwing them away was sort of like an analogy for our relationship. Maybe Edward didn't deserve another chance with me but throwing it all away carelessly without a second thought seemed just as wrong. If I did this, the second chance we had been given would have meant absolutely nothing. Was I ready to walk away from him for good this time? Would my heart or his, for that matter, ever recover?
Damn it all to hell! Sometimes that man made me feel helpless, I swear. He baffled my brain and made me want to pull out my hair, but the bottom line was that somewhere deep inside, I loved every damn second of it. I loved it because I loved him. As simple as it sounds, it was as easy as that. Now, with that being said, I had no fucking idea what that said about me other than I'm obviously some kind of masochist. Why, why, why couldn't this all just be easy for once? Did I not deserve some kind of retribution in my life for everything I'd already gone through?
Sighing, I covered the brownies and turned off the light in the kitchen. I needed to sleep. Nothing worthwhile was coming from all the confusing thoughts running through my head. Once I was back in my bed, I glanced at the clock and noticed that it was one-thirty already. Ugh. I'd have to be up sooner than I would like. Tomorrow we were continuing with interleague play and would be playing our cross-town rivals the White Sox. I drifted off to sleep thinking only of the bragging rights I would love to own after this series.
I was deep in some much needed sleep when an incessant ringing sound finally startled me awake. Reaching blindly for my phone on the nightstand, I felt around but ended up dropping the phone to the ground. Before I could reach for it though, it stopped ringing. Thank the lord! Figuring it was not worth the effort, I left it there and drifted back asleep.
Some time later I heard the offensive ringing once more. Again, I reached for the nightstand not remembering what had happened earlier. I was confused when I couldn't find my Blackberry there, but just as it did the previous time the ringing stopped abruptly.
Almost instantaneously, however, it started again and this time I fully woke up and opened my eyes. I could see the light from the screen shining out from under my bed. Groaning with annoyance that I was going to now have to get out of my warm cocoon to reach it, I sat up and then knelt down on the floor. Of course, I was too late because the phone stopped. I swear if this was Mike Newton drunk dialing me, I was going to have his ass benched for a month. Fucking idiot!
Picking up the phone I scrolled through the missed calls. Five so far. I must have missed the first few in my sleep. Each and every call all from Edward. Newton was one lucky bastard. It was way too late to be dealing with any of this bullshit. What did he expect from me at this hour anyway? I turned my phone on to vibrate and laid back down in bed knowing that answering the phone would only lead to ugly words being said in my aggravation and that was obviously not what we needed right now.
Minutes passed before I felt the phone vibrating against my hand. I popped one eye open and peered at the screen. Edward. Was he clinically insane? Was he trying to work my ever-loving-fucking last nerve? This was certainly not the way to get on my good side. Really, the only thing it was doing was making me more and more frustrated with him. Plus, if he needed to say something he could just as well have left a voice message or a text for that matter. If he was lucky, I might even consider listening to it, but at this point he was really pressing his luck.
I let the phone ring twice more, ignoring it. Internally, I was screaming at him for ruining my night even more. Most likely I would never fall back asleep again tonight. I considered turning the damn thing off, but something kept me from doing so.
Time passed once again and I was just starting to get back to sleep when the phone once again vibrated. Either Edward had a death wish or... shit, what if something was actually wrong? My concern over thinking something might have happened to him forced me to finally answer the phone.
"Hello?" I replied quickly, trying to control the panic in my voice. I couldn't hear any verbal response due to the excessive noise in the background. "Edward, is that you?" I tried again, speaking louder this time.
I heard a throat clear, "Um, I'm sorry is this Bella Swan?" an unfamiliar voice asked.
Nobody had called me Swan in years. Shit, shit, shit. Something was definitely wrong. Please don't let this be the cops, I internally pleaded.
"Yes, this is Bella," I answered somewhat tentatively.
"I'm sorry to call you so late, Hun," the man stated.
Hun? Who the fuck was this? I'm pretty sure cops don't address people as hun on the phone. Who the fuck even calls someone "hun?" I was certainly in no mood to be "hunned" right now. He better start talking and quick.
"This is Allyn, I work down at The Rusty Nail," he continued. "I'm not sure if you've heard of it, we're a little place down on the Loop?"
He seemed to be waiting for some kind of answer, and I was honestly so confused at this point that I apologized and told him I wasn't familiar with it. Yep, my new friend Allyn still had me at "hun" but unlike Jerry McGuire, it wasn't in a good way.
"Oh, well, uh," he continued seeming somewhat disappointed. "I 'spose that's not really important. The reason I'm calling is because I have a patron here that I think you might know. He's really not in any shape to be heading home on his own. I was going to call a cab, but he kept insisting he wouldn't leave without at least talking to you."
I groaned audibly. "So he's not hurt? He's not in any kind of physical danger?" I asked quickly. Really, Edward decided that now was the appropriate time to "reach out and touch someone?"
Allyn laughed from the other end of the line. "No, I 'spose he's not in any physical danger. I just think it might be a good idea for him to not be alone tonight. He seems pretty torn up about something and keeps asking me to call you."
"Look, I'm sure you know who he is, though I appreciate you trying to be discreet. Did you call his agent? Jasper Whitlock should really be the person to handle this. I'm not sure how it would look if I was the one to come down there," I answered tentatively.
There was a bit of a pause on the line, but then I heard him ask if I could hold on for a second. Moments later all the background noise seemed to disappear. "Sorry about that, I thought it might be better if I went somewhere quieter to talk to you. I tried to call this Jasper guy earlier, but he never answered. The thing is we're getting ready to close up and I really don't want him to leave unaccompanied."
"Alright," I exhaled loudly, frustrated yet concerned at the same time. "I'll be down in a few. Can you give me your address?"
After I had written down the address to plug into my car's GPS, I reluctantly started to dress. I would have loved to have gone down there in my pajama pants, but I had no idea if there would be any press there and the last thing I needed was to have pics of myself in my Victoria's Secret pajama set helping an intoxicated Edward out of a bar in the middle of the night. I found some jeans and a hoodie to throw over my tank top and brushed my hair back into a neat ponytail before heading out the door.
This was clearly Jasper's job as Edward's agent. I had never been called to pick up any member of this team in the middle of the night before, though it certainly was not the first time any of them had gotten into some kind of trouble. Dealing with this many guys on a daily basis only made me realize more and more that they are a bunch of children needing to be watched like a hawk every moment of every day. All I could say was thank god they all had agents or wives or girlfriends to deal with their stupid asses. Edward was certainly not giving our public relationship the best first impression to say the least. After the night we'd had I was dreading seeing the newspaper tomorrow morning.
I parked my car as close as humanly possible to the address given and started down the street looking for this place. I finally saw a basement establishment with a colorful sign reading "Rusty Nail" on it. How the hell had Edward even stumbled upon this place? It looked seedy to say the least. I just hoped I wouldn't need a tetanus shot after leaving.
I opened the door to the dimly lit establishment and headed down the stairs towards the bar. A short-statured, balding man looked up from the bar. He glanced quickly back at Edward, who as far as I could see was the only person in the joint, then headed over to greet me.
"You must be Bella. I'm Allyn," he said.
I looked at Edward trying to assess him from across the room and then looked back at the bartender, "Yeah. Hey. Nice to meet you. Is he okay?"
The man grinned up at me, "Yeah, I think so. He's put about ten dollars into the jukebox and has been sitting in the same spot ever since. It's been playing this song for hours. I think it drove out half the other patrons" he chuckled.
I winced listening to Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt" play from the speakers. Jesus, Edward. What have you done?
"Sorry about that," I apologized. Allyn shrugged good-naturedly. I started to walk over to where Edward sat with his head down on the bar and Allyn returned to his previous place watching us. I was never very good at handling situations like this and wasn't particularly fond of having him watching my every move.
I lightly rubbed my hand over Edward's back, not knowing what to say or really what to do. I was irritated to have been put in this situation, but I was also heartbroken over seeing him in this state.
"Mom," he murmured quietly.
I cracked a smile, I honestly couldn't help it. Jesus, how drunk was he? "No, Edward, it's Bella."
"Baby?" he asked, lifting his head from the bar and practically losing his balance on the chair. I threw my arms around his waist and hurried to help right him.
"Whoa, there. You alright?" Once he was seated securely and weakly nodded that he was okay, I removed my arms from around his waist and really looked at him. Christ, he was mess. His hair was sticking up in every direction, his usually beautiful green eyes were blood-shot, glossy, sad and tired, and his entire demeanor simply made him look defeated and broken. How the hell was I supposed to get him home from here on my own? I probably should have called Emmett or Jasper.
His eyes tried to focus on my own, but all they were really doing was bouncing from side to side. After watching his eyes continue their tennis match for a few seconds, he was finally able to focus causing them to light up slightly. "You came," he pronounced in a sense of awe.
I nodded and then quietly affirmed, my eyes never leaving his. "Of course I came, Edward." This man could melt my heart in ways I didn't even realize. In that instant, I realized there was very little I wouldn't do for him, angry or not.
"I really appreciate you coming down. I offered to give him a ride myself, but he refused. He kept stating that he only wanted you," Allyn interrupted almost sadly, staring directly at Edward.
Edward looked slightly uncomfortable and it was all I could do to hide my giggles and my eye roll. I think Bartender Allyn might have a little crush. Then again, who could really blame him? Edward was hands-down, one of the most handsome men ever created, so it would make complete sense for anyone with a pulse to hit on him. I wanted to bust out laughing; however I could see Edward's anxiety over the entire situation growing. He looked back and forth between me and Allyn, then started running his hands through his already chaotic hair. This gesture was only making Bartender Allyn look at him more dreamily, like he wanted him even more and thus repeating the entire cycle. Priceless!
As much as I enjoyed watching Edward squirm, I took pity on him. I stepped back for a second to try and figure out the best way to get him out of here. I really hoped he could walk on his own because Edward was a big guy and carrying him would be impossible to do.
Edward's hands suddenly sprang out from his side grabbing me around the waist and pulling me towards him. "Don't leave me Baby, please. I'll do anything. Just don't leave me again."
His words shocked me to say the least. This was the desperation Marcus was talking about. How did I not notice this before? Whether Edward was begging me in general or whether he thought I might leave him here with the bartender I didn't know, but that desperation was there all the same.
I wrapped my hands around his head and pulled it towards my own. Looking directly into his eyes and hoping he would understand what I was saying to him not just now but as a general statement, I declared, "I'm not leaving you, Edward. Do you hear me? I promise I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to figure out how to get you home. Do you think you can walk, because I'm not sure I can hold you up on my own?"
"You're going to bring me home with you?" he questioned shyly looking at me with wide, innocent eyes.
I hadn't really thought about it, but it probably would be easier to take him to my place rather than maneuver around his building. I didn't know his very well at all, so this would make the entire situation even more difficult. "Uh, yeah," I swallowed . "I'm going to bring you back to my place with me. Is that okay?" I was so probably going to regret this all in the morning.
His eyes twinkled at my statement. "I can walk," was all he said as he pushed himself out of the bar stool. It took him a second to balance himself once he stood, but he appeared to be stable…. for the most part.
"Does he need to settle a bill or anything?" I asked Allyn.
Allyn watched as Edward made his way away from the bar and towards the door. "Nah, he's good. Took care of it awhile ago."
I nodded and helped Edward out the door and up the stairs into the cool summer night's air. He only tripped once, which I was grateful for. I kept a hold of his hand the rest of the way to my car hoping he would stay upright and not drag me down with him if he fell over. How the hell he was supposed to play later today?
Once I had him seated and buckled in, I got in the driver's side and sighed in relief. Edward appeared to be watching me with rapt interest. "What?" I asked him, feeling slightly uncomfortable now that we were completely alone. I had seen so many different sides of Edward today it was giving me whiplash, and I honestly didn't know what to think of him right now.
He gave me that crooked grin, which oddly wasn't nearly as cute when he was as drunk as he was. "You're beautiful, Bella. Thank you for coming for me," he hiccuped.
I shook my head in annoyance. Flattery would get him nowhere right now. "You realize we have a game today?" I asked, my voice sharp. He nodded and hiccuped again. He looked like he was about to get sick with all the hiccups. "Don't you dare throw up in here, Edward. I swear I'll make you lick it up." I proclaimed exasperated.
Edward had the audacity to smile at me like I was joking. "I'm not kidding. You will clean every ounce of it up, and then buy me a new car. It's not like I don't pay you enough for that." I glared at him for a moment but then softened slightly. "Just tell me if you think you're going to be sick, so I can pull over, okay?"
"I'm not going to get sick, Bella. I promise" he said practically laughing. "Just take me home."
I looked him over once more, carefully eyeing his complexion to make sure it didn't look green and then started the car and pulled out onto the road. The trip back to my place took about fifteen minutes and was mostly silent. I was debating what to do with him once I got him back to my place. I had no idea where he was going to sleep. The couch was not suitable for him, though he pretty much deserved it. He was too tall and I didn't want him to end up with a neck or backache from sleeping in too small of an area. That pretty much only left my room, and this was not how I envisioned our first night sleeping together to go.
**Edward's POV**
I couldn't help but stare at her while she drove us back to her home. I could tell she was nervous and slightly agitated. This however gave me some hope. Slightly agitated was more than I could have ever hoped for. Her fingers were gripping the wheel tightly and she was biting on her lower lip, most likely thinking. I wanted to take my fingers and pull that lip back out of her mouth, but I didn't think any quick movements, or my touch for that matter, would go over well right now, especially while she was driving.
She was so beautiful. My whole world. Everything I had ever hoped or wanted sat right there next to me. I hiccuped again and she glanced at me quickly. Fucking hiccups. I had made such a mess of things. I could do nothing but stare at her and see all the mistakes I had made not only today, but in the past. I didn't deserve her. Never had.
I turned my attention towards the window and tried to focus on the night sky. The city had so many lights that I couldn't even make out the stars. It was kind of sad in all actuality, so I sat there in silence. Bella obviously was not ready to talk to me. Not that I could blame her. But sitting in the quietness while I was drunk was never a good thing because I over analyzed and philosophized more than I should have.
I realized that the dark sky was like a metaphor for myself. So full of darkness and surrounded by all this glitter, that sort of canceled out all the light or the good in me. Drinking was a bad idea. It only seemed to bring out the broody, self-loathing part of myself. I hated that part of me. As much as I tried to chase it away or hide it behind some closet door, it always tried to fight its way back out at the most inopportune times.
I stared out that window, wrapped up in my own thoughts for longer than I realized because I didn't feel Bella's eyes on me for some time. I looked over to her realizing we were parked in her garage already. "Edward, are you okay?" she asked, eyes furrowed and obviously concerned.
I continued to stare at her because in that moment, I realized I couldn't lose her again. I didn't know if I could survive it. She was the one thing that made me happy. The only thing at this point. I knew that wasn't healthy or even fair to her, but she had become sort of a lifeline for me in the past month or so. She gave my being a purpose again. She made everything in my life worth it.
"Edward? Jesus, you're scaring me. Are you okay?" she asked again.
The desperate tone of her voice startled me out of my thoughts. "I'm so sorry. Jesus, I'm sorry, Bella. I don't even know what to say or how to make it up to you, or why you would even let me make it up to you, but I just need you to know how very, fucking sorry I am," I pleaded.
"Don't. Not now. I'm tired, Edward and right now, I just want to forget about all this. Tomorrow we can sit down and talk this out if you still want, but please I'm begging you, not now."
She was so obviously drained and miserable. I hate that I had done that to her again. And drunk or not, I knew when it was best not to press my luck. I sighed and nodded to her then opened my door and stepped out slowly. Things may have started spinning a little when I stood up, but I sure as hell was not about to admit that to her, so I closed the door and leaned up against the car.
Bella walked around and looked at me questioningly. I smiled shyly and she bit her lip once again. I was nervous, I'm not going to lie. We hadn't spent the night together yet and this was nowhere near how I had hoped our first night together would go. Me on her couch. Fuck, I'm such an idiot, I swear.
I started to lift my hand to push it through my hair in agitation, when I felt her small hand envelop mine. I slowly dropped my arm staring at our entwined hands. "It's fine," she whispered, obviously reading my mind. "Come upstairs with me."
She squeezed my hand as we slowly made our way up to her floor. I'm sure the slowness was more for my benefit than hers, but I wasn't about to complain. It might be the last chance I ever got to touch her skin.
"Thank you for letting me stay here," I said as I sat down on her sofa, realizing only now how exhausted I really was.
She smiled sadly then left the room only to return a minute or so later with a large glass of water, two aspirin and the biggest damn brownie I had ever laid eyes on. "Maybe we shouldn't make a habit of these type of nights, but that being said...," she drifted off momentarily staring at the floor and chewing on the side of her mouth, "I'm not going to lie, it's really nice having you here. It doesn't feel wrong. Maybe it should, especially with how things are right now, but it doesn't."
She looked back up at me for confirmation. "Yeah, yeah it does," I nodded emphatically. I cleared my throat and thought quickly how I could apologize to her again and make this right.
But before I could speak, Bella interrupted. "Eat. Please. Take those pills, finish that water and eat. I really need you to be functional tomorrow. It will make me much more forgiving tomorrow if you play well," she smiled mischievously. "Plus, I made those damn brownies for you anyway and I just need to see you eat it and enjoy it right now."
I did what she asked. I would do anything she asked, but let's face it; this task was hardly difficult to swallow. Not to mention that fucking brownie ruled my world right about now. Jesus, the woman was too damn good for me.
"Thank you," she whispered sweetly. "I'm exhausted, so let's just go to bed now, okay?"
I nodded in agreement since I was about to fall asleep sitting up in this chocolatey-mint induced coma I was just subjected. "Do you have a blanket or pillow I could borrow? I'm sorry to inconvenience you."
"Edward, I'm not going to let you sleep out here, though you probably deserve it. Just,... just come to bed with me, please?"
I thought briefly how I wish I could have a do-over of this whole day and still end up here right now, so that I didn't feel like this was a pity invite, but I wasn't about to let my girl beg like that so I got up and went with her.
"I'm just going to go change back into my pajamas real quick," she said once we were in her room. "Can you sleep in your boxers? Do you need a t-shirt? Because I probably have one of Emmett's here somewhere."
"I'm fine, Bella," I replied and slowly removed my long-sleeved thermal revealing the grey t-shirt underneath. She stood and stared at me. It was both nerve wracking and wonderful all at the same time.
She cleared her throat after a moment and then walked into the bathroom closing the door behind her. I finished taking off my jeans and shoes and sat on the edge of the bed to wait for her. When she stepped back out in her thin, cotton pajama pants and tank top, my breath caught. I felt like I was seventeen all over again. She was so damn beautiful it hurt. She most definitely was not the same girl I had climbed into bed with all those years ago. Her body had morphed from girl to woman and those curves were about to kill me.
She walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in under the covers. I followed suit. We both turned on our sides and faced one another. I was never going to be able to sleep if things were left like this. We laid there in the dark staring at one another for many long minutes. Suddenly, I heard her sigh and felt the shift as she moved closer towards me. She reached out and entwined our fingers, bringing them between our chests. "I forgive you, Edward. We still have a lot to discuss, but I'm not walking away, okay? Please believe me. I want this just as much as you do. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear to you before, but I really do."
I gripped her hand tighter and had to fight back the tears in my eyes. Thank god, it was dark enough in here that she wouldn't see them. Her forgiveness was more than I could ever ask for. I wanted to kiss her senseless but I held back. Tomorrow maybe. "Thank you, baby. It's obviously more than I deserve and I promise to spend the rest of my life making sure you don't regret this."
She surprised the hell out of me by chuckling. "Don't make ridiculous promises that you can't keep, Edward. Just hold me and let's fall asleep together."
I reached out for her and held her tight against my side, wrapping my arm under her head and around her back. "That I can most definitely promise you," I whispered as I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. Both of us falling asleep only moments later.
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